dysmorphics | open post

[ Is she his girl? She'd like to be. She would love to be. And in moments like these, when he shows such concern for her, when he talks about how much he likes having her around, she finds herself hoping, despite herself. Even as he breaks her heart again and again when his attention inevitably wanders elsewhere.

She expects it to, tonight. That he'll meet some girl and ditch Steph to spend the night with her. Steph understands, though. Just because she's so used to thinking about dying doesn't mean other people are. They believe and hope and want to live, even if it scares the hell out of them. So she won't begrudge him a good time. He'll need every happy thought out there. She can swallow her pride and her jealousy and deal with it. ]

Thank you.

[ For the popcorn. But also for everything else. He might not love her in the way she wishes he did, but he's always looked after her -- even after all the times she'd pushed him away and refused to be the object of his pity. ]

Need me to watch your back and keep you from doing something stupid, huh? We can try. Someone's gotta make sure you get back in one piece anyway.

Exactly, now you get it. I’ll be a much better soldier if I have you along to keep me from doing dumb shit.

( It’s getting cold out and Bucky wraps his arm around her even though she’s already wearing his uniform jacket. It’s a regular autumn night for most people but for Steph, she could catch a deadly cold. He doesn’t want that for her. He gives her a soft look, a too soft look, and touches a stray strand of her hair to smooth it back. )

Stay at my place tonight, will ya? I don’t want to be alone tonight and you could see me off at the docks tomorrow morning. I’ll pay your cab fare back home.

[ Ha. So he admits to being dumb! She grins, turning to tease him about it, but that's when he puts his arm around her and that very simple act -- possibly even thoughtless on his end, the damn charmer -- shuts her up.

Well, no. It's that look, that invitation, that steals her breath. Makes her head spin. He's asking her? Good things never happen to Stephanie Rogers; something always comes to ruin whatever she has going. And while urge to save herself from the inevitable heartbreak is there, some quip already at the tip of her tongue, she can't bring herself to turn him down.

Because she wants it, too. ]

Yeah? [ Playing it cool. Way to go, Stephanie. ] Alright. You gotta pack me into your bag anyway. If you fold me in half you'll still have room for your books.

See? You're a perfect fit. Come on, let's get home before it's too cold out. It's getting windy and I don't want you catching anything.

( Bucky tightens his arm around her and while he'd normally just take the train home, it's his last night in New York so he just pays for a cab. Since he's been on the Army's pay, it's been a lot easier to afford nice things and he wants to treat Stephanie if he can.

He hails the cab and holds the door open for her. )

Go ahead, get in there.

[ At any other time, she'd have refused. Shrugged his arm off, returned his jacket, declined the cab ride -- with the insistence that she can take care of herself just fine. She doesn't want his pity, and what else could this all be but that, after all?

Tonight is different, though. She can have tonight, surely? Whether he dies in the fighting or settles down with someone else when it's over, it's the same outcome: he's not coming back to her. Tonight is all she has.

So she takes it. Slips into the cab. Doesn't scoot all the way to the opposite end of seat, instead stays close enough for him to put an arm around her again. Smiles and doesn't say a word in protest when the cabbie engages him in small talk and refers to her as his girl, then deciding to fake a sneeze to change the subject if he ever gets weird about it.

As they're pulling up to his place: ] I got something for you, by the way.

( Bucky helps her out of the cab and pays him off before turning to her and giving her a bit of a smile. It's a little sheepish because he isn't used to Steph giving him things so important that she announces them and he wonders what it is. )

What'd you get me? Am I gonna like it?

( He's on the second floor so they walk up and he opens his door and shows her in, wanting to get her out of the chill before she gets sick or her asthma bothers her. )

[ The question flusters her. Is he gonna like it? It's nothing fancy, though she'd wanted to be able to afford something nice. Nor is it practical. Still, she couldn't just let him leave without a token of any sort, even if she's probably not the one he'd like stuff like this from since it's not like she's his girl or anything.

She settles on a chair, catching her breath for a moment, before producing a small compass from her dress pocket. She holds it out to him, suddenly unable to look him in the eyes. ]

This was Da's. He left it with Ma before he shipped out and... he didn't come back.

[ She swallows, fighting back the fear that's lying in wait. Of course she's afraid for him. She'd go with him if she could, but the Army would only take men, and physically abled ones at that. She knows this because she'd actually tried enlisting. She only didn't land in jail or something because her father had served, and they thought it was funny. ]

I want you to have it. So you don't get lost. [ Before he beats her to making fun this, or of her: ] Knowing you, you'll take all the stupid with you and not know which way is which. You'd get lost in a ditch without my help. Or get distracted by a pretty dame.

( It's like Steph to give something heartfelt, something more than a silly trinket another girl might give him, but this touches him. It belonged to her father and she wants to give it to him? He knows they're close, the best of friend, but this feels almost romantic in a way he doesn't want to dare to dream about.

No. It's just a gift. He can't be reading into it because he wants her desperately and has selfishly managed to get her to sleep at his place the last night he's in New York for a long, long while. )

It's...perfect. I'll never get lost.

( His voice is soft and reflective and when he looks at her, his eyes are impossibly soft. He reaches out and touches her hand lightly. They hold hands all the time so this can't be weird, can it? )

I didn't just ask you here because I didn't want to be alone tonight, you know. I needed to tell you something.

[ This is weird. Why is he looking at her like that? She hates it when he looks at her like that, because she dares to hope, despite the voice in her head telling her not to. ]

Yeah?

[ She almost, almost makes a joke about being afraid to die, but the intensity of his stare stills her tongue. Whatever it is, it's important. Whatever it is, he believes in it. She's not going to shoot that down. ]

( Bucky takes her hands in his and squeezes them lightly before lifting them to kiss her knuckles. He has to tell her. He can’t go to his death and not tell her that he loves her, even if Steph doesn’t believe him, because he doesn’t want to lose this chance. )

I love you. I wanted to spend my last night at home with someone I loved and I love you. I’ve loved you for a while, actually.

( He’s just been afraid to say it and ruin their friendship but now he has nothing to lose. )

[ She looks shocked by his confession. Then incredulous. That's four times he's used the word love in quite possibly one breath, and because she can't believe it, she stays quiet for a while longer, waiting for him to say he's just joking. Which, if it's indeed a joke, is a very cruel one and she'll definitely punch him for it then curse him to die alone in a ditch or something equally cruel. ]

You sure have a stupid way of showing it.

[ But she gets it. He's never had to face the thought of dying before. People who have their whole lives ahead of them want to explore all the possibilities, not hold on to certainties. She, however, has long been dying. She spends her nights knowing she might not wake up tomorrow. She spends her days knowing they're numbered.

If this is real, if he truly loves her as he claims, then he's probably going to die. Good things never last, especially not for Stephanie Rogers. ]

I love you, too.

[ She has nothing left to lose, either. ]

I love you not just as a friend, is what I'm trying to say. I'm in love with you, Steph. That's what I mean. I just want to be completely clear about it because I haven't been and I've wasted a hell of a lot of time that we could have been honest with each other.

( She loves him? Is it a best friend's love or is it the same kind of love he has for her? He really hopes it's the latter because he can't go off to war without her knowing how he truly feels. )

I didn't want to ruin our friendship.

[ For a long moment, she just stares at him, her expression unreadable save for the crease on her forehead -- but even that could mean anything, really. Then, without warning, she wrenches her right hand from his grip to punch him in the arm. Despite her spindly noodle arm, the blow isn't weak or feeble. Just like her.

She still doesn't say anything after that. At least for about five seconds. But just as he's about to react, she grabs him by the collar of his dress shirt, tugs him toward her, and kisses him on the mouth.

It's sloppy. Unlike him, she's never kissed anyone before. Never wanted or intended to, because she's loved him, not just as a friend, for a long time. But it's all fire and purpose, a first kiss and a last kiss at the same time. Don't leave me and you better come back or God help me.

Then she lets go and pulls back. She looks angry. But only because: ]

I love you like that, dumbass. And you just... you just--

Edited (reread it and added a bit) 2025-04-06 18:13 (UTC)

( Bucky thinks he should have expected her to kiss him like this and while it's unpracticed, it's heartfelt. Bucky threads his fingers into her hair and eases her into a smoother kiss. He's done a lot of kissing, for better or worse, and it seems like as good a time as any to teach her how. How many kisses is he going to get before he'll never see her again? )

I just what? Didn't want to lose my best friend by making a pass at her? Didn't want to lose half of my heart because I tried to kiss her?

[ She huffs. ] Oh now I'm half of your heart, not half of your stupid? That's an improvement, at least.

You're awful at this, Buck. [ The talking about feelings, not the kissing. He's a good kisser. Maybe that's all the others cared about. ] You could've said something before now. Or... kissed fewer girls.

[ If she sounds jealous, it's because she is. She normally keeps that under wraps, pretends she doesn't care, if only because she hates being vulnerable. She doesn't want his pity.

Is this what this is? She turns her face away, not wanting him to see the doubt written there. If this is what he wants to believe, if this is what will save him from the horrors out there, then she'll let him have it. ]

You don’t want this.

( Maybe he is the stupid half but it seems like Steph is focusing on the things he’s done before now and not this moment that he’s trying to seize for the both of them before he ships out. He’d asked her to spend the night with him for what seemed like an obvious reason to him but she’s awfully concerned about other girls he’s kissed and how awful he is at feelings.

She’s not wrong, not on either front. )

Before you call me stupid, I’ve been with enough women to know when one doesn’t want to be with me, all right? You don’t have to give me this because I’m afraid I’m going to die. You don’t have to force yourself through it because I’m scared of what’s going to happen over there. It’s an important thing to share with someone even if you think…even if you think I’ve shared it with half of Brooklyn. Don’t do this just for me, to make me happy.

[ How can he know her so well, yet also not know her at all? ]

I've been right here, this whole time, and you never figured out I've always wanted to be with you.

[ An indignant outburst, typical of her, but this time she quickly deflates. She tries, desperately, to blink back her tears, but her chest begins to constrict and she has to release an awful, pitiful sob. ]

( Shit. She’s crying. This is the complete opposite of what he wanted when he told her his feelings and the thing he’d feared the most, actually. Steph is crying over everything he’s done to her since they’ve been old enough to date and his excuse about their friendship feels flimsy in comparison. He’s never been able to stand her tears but he’s afraid that his touch will make it worse so he waits a moment or two before wrapping his arm around her. He’s done that as a friend a million times. It’s no different. )

I ruined it. I ruined everything.

(He thinks he might cry too actually but he sucks it up because that’s the last thing she needs right now. It’s not even remotely about him anymore.)

I hurt you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m just…let’s not change anything for now. We kissed and I’m not going to be with anyone else but when I get home again, maybe we can try. I’ll write you every day.

[ Had this happened at a different time, she'd have shoved him away. But he was going off to war and, just like her father, probably never coming back. That makes her clutch the front of his shirt and bury her face against his chest instead, as she sinks into his arms. ]

You didn't ruin anything. But... don't make promises you can't keep. It'll just hurt more.

[ If he finds someone else and chooses her instead? Steph can live with that. That means he's alive and happy, and while it'll hurt yet again, she can take it.

But his death will probably kill her too. Maybe that's the only way they can be together. It's not fair. ]

I wish we had more time.

( Bucky shakes his head and holds her a little closer, close as he dares with as fragile as she is. He didn’t expect tonight to go this direction but maybe it was supposed to go this way after all. Maybe he isn’t the guy for Steph after all. )

Well, I can promise to be careful. Don’t you go meeting any men while I’m gone. I’d be heartbroken if you went and got married on me. Tear me up inside.

Then ask me.

[ Said with a mixture of exasperation and fondness and you're such an idiot. But he won't dare, she's sure. He'd have already asked, if he wanted that. If he wanted her. ]

( Now he’s even more confused. She’s angry at him for being with other women and doesn’t want him to make promises he can’t keep but now she wants a proposal? He wants to ask, absolutely, but he has no ring and he doesn’t want to do it because he’s been goaded into it. He wants to do it when it feels right. )

Five minutes ago you hated me for being with other women and now you want a proposal? I don’t know what to do with that, Steph. Isn’t that a promise I can’t keep if I go and die…

( He takes in a deep breath. )

There’s no one I want to marry more. But I want to do this the right way, not because I’m scared and you’re scared. I don’t even have anything to give you. I promise to ask when I get home. Is that okay?

[ Okay, first off: ] I don't hate you, what are you even talking about? I just... I just wish you spent that time with me instead.

[ She hates how pathetic she sounds. How needy, how desperate. It's a moot point and arguing with him about it won't change anything. He's still leaving in the morning. Might even still die. Or live and come back a different man; she's heard of that happening to some of her father's friends.

Reminded of that, she swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand to rid them of tears. She wasn't supposed to cry and make this about her. So she leans in and wraps her arms around him apologetically. ] I'm sorry. I love you. Let's not... do this tonight. Fight. Argue. Whatever this is. I don't like it. I don't want you to leave and we're not... okay.

It wasn’t what I planned on. What I planned on probably wasn’t for the best, though, so it’s better we wound up here instead.

( He doesn’t think now is the time to tell her he planned to declare his love and seduce her because it seems like a really stupid idea in hindsight. It might be the fantasy for a lot of women but it probably isn’t her fantasy. Not that he doesn’t think about sex with Steph - he does, a lot - but he doesn’t think very much about her wanting it with him as he does with her. )

We’re not in a bad place. And I meant it, when I come back and can buy a ring, we can get married if that’s what you still want.

[ If you come back. But there's no use calling attention to that more than they already have, right? Between her giving him her father's compass and him declaring that he loved her after all because he thought he was going to die. ]

So... we're not gonna kiss and have sex?

[ She sounds disappointed. For a moment there she'd actually thought he was going to make up for being stupid by making love to her all night, like she'd wished he did and imagined countless times. Instead he's hung up on her being mad.

Or maybe he's just really not interested in her like that. Physically. She knows his type: red hair, long legs, curves. Not tiny blonde girls with noodle arms and sharp edges. ]

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