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[dysmorphics]

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[dysmorphics]

[ This is weird. Why is he looking at her like that? She hates it when he looks at her like that, because she dares to hope, despite the voice in her head telling her not to. ]

Yeah?

[ She almost, almost makes a joke about being afraid to die, but the intensity of his stare stills her tongue. Whatever it is, it's important. Whatever it is, he believes in it. She's not going to shoot that down. ]

[ostavil]

( Bucky takes her hands in his and squeezes them lightly before lifting them to kiss her knuckles. He has to tell her. He can’t go to his death and not tell her that he loves her, even if Steph doesn’t believe him, because he doesn’t want to lose this chance. )

I love you. I wanted to spend my last night at home with someone I loved and I love you. I’ve loved you for a while, actually.

( He’s just been afraid to say it and ruin their friendship but now he has nothing to lose. )

[dysmorphics]

[ She looks shocked by his confession. Then incredulous. That's four times he's used the word love in quite possibly one breath, and because she can't believe it, she stays quiet for a while longer, waiting for him to say he's just joking. Which, if it's indeed a joke, is a very cruel one and she'll definitely punch him for it then curse him to die alone in a ditch or something equally cruel. ]

You sure have a stupid way of showing it.

[ But she gets it. He's never had to face the thought of dying before. People who have their whole lives ahead of them want to explore all the possibilities, not hold on to certainties. She, however, has long been dying. She spends her nights knowing she might not wake up tomorrow. She spends her days knowing they're numbered.

If this is real, if he truly loves her as he claims, then he's probably going to die. Good things never last, especially not for Stephanie Rogers. ]

I love you, too.

[ She has nothing left to lose, either. ]

[ostavil]

I love you not just as a friend, is what I'm trying to say. I'm in love with you, Steph. That's what I mean. I just want to be completely clear about it because I haven't been and I've wasted a hell of a lot of time that we could have been honest with each other.

( She loves him? Is it a best friend's love or is it the same kind of love he has for her? He really hopes it's the latter because he can't go off to war without her knowing how he truly feels. )

I didn't want to ruin our friendship.

[dysmorphics]

[ For a long moment, she just stares at him, her expression unreadable save for the crease on her forehead -- but even that could mean anything, really. Then, without warning, she wrenches her right hand from his grip to punch him in the arm. Despite her spindly noodle arm, the blow isn't weak or feeble. Just like her.

She still doesn't say anything after that. At least for about five seconds. But just as he's about to react, she grabs him by the collar of his dress shirt, tugs him toward her, and kisses him on the mouth.

It's sloppy. Unlike him, she's never kissed anyone before. Never wanted or intended to, because she's loved him, not just as a friend, for a long time. But it's all fire and purpose, a first kiss and a last kiss at the same time. Don't leave me and you better come back or God help me.

Then she lets go and pulls back. She looks angry. But only because: ]

I love you like that, dumbass. And you just... you just--

[ostavil]

( Bucky thinks he should have expected her to kiss him like this and while it's unpracticed, it's heartfelt. Bucky threads his fingers into her hair and eases her into a smoother kiss. He's done a lot of kissing, for better or worse, and it seems like as good a time as any to teach her how. How many kisses is he going to get before he'll never see her again? )

I just what? Didn't want to lose my best friend by making a pass at her? Didn't want to lose half of my heart because I tried to kiss her?

[dysmorphics]

[ She huffs. ] Oh now I'm half of your heart, not half of your stupid? That's an improvement, at least.

You're awful at this, Buck. [ The talking about feelings, not the kissing. He's a good kisser. Maybe that's all the others cared about. ] You could've said something before now. Or... kissed fewer girls.

[ If she sounds jealous, it's because she is. She normally keeps that under wraps, pretends she doesn't care, if only because she hates being vulnerable. She doesn't want his pity.

Is this what this is? She turns her face away, not wanting him to see the doubt written there. If this is what he wants to believe, if this is what will save him from the horrors out there, then she'll let him have it. ]

[ostavil]

You don’t want this.

( Maybe he is the stupid half but it seems like Steph is focusing on the things he’s done before now and not this moment that he’s trying to seize for the both of them before he ships out. He’d asked her to spend the night with him for what seemed like an obvious reason to him but she’s awfully concerned about other girls he’s kissed and how awful he is at feelings.

She’s not wrong, not on either front. )

Before you call me stupid, I’ve been with enough women to know when one doesn’t want to be with me, all right? You don’t have to give me this because I’m afraid I’m going to die. You don’t have to force yourself through it because I’m scared of what’s going to happen over there. It’s an important thing to share with someone even if you think…even if you think I’ve shared it with half of Brooklyn. Don’t do this just for me, to make me happy.

[dysmorphics]

[ How can he know her so well, yet also not know her at all? ]

I've been right here, this whole time, and you never figured out I've always wanted to be with you.

[ An indignant outburst, typical of her, but this time she quickly deflates. She tries, desperately, to blink back her tears, but her chest begins to constrict and she has to release an awful, pitiful sob. ]

[ostavil]

( Shit. She’s crying. This is the complete opposite of what he wanted when he told her his feelings and the thing he’d feared the most, actually. Steph is crying over everything he’s done to her since they’ve been old enough to date and his excuse about their friendship feels flimsy in comparison. He’s never been able to stand her tears but he’s afraid that his touch will make it worse so he waits a moment or two before wrapping his arm around her. He’s done that as a friend a million times. It’s no different. )

I ruined it. I ruined everything.

(He thinks he might cry too actually but he sucks it up because that’s the last thing she needs right now. It’s not even remotely about him anymore.)

I hurt you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m just…let’s not change anything for now. We kissed and I’m not going to be with anyone else but when I get home again, maybe we can try. I’ll write you every day.

[dysmorphics]

[ Had this happened at a different time, she'd have shoved him away. But he was going off to war and, just like her father, probably never coming back. That makes her clutch the front of his shirt and bury her face against his chest instead, as she sinks into his arms. ]

You didn't ruin anything. But... don't make promises you can't keep. It'll just hurt more.

[ If he finds someone else and chooses her instead? Steph can live with that. That means he's alive and happy, and while it'll hurt yet again, she can take it.

But his death will probably kill her too. Maybe that's the only way they can be together. It's not fair. ]

I wish we had more time.

[ostavil]

( Bucky shakes his head and holds her a little closer, close as he dares with as fragile as she is. He didn’t expect tonight to go this direction but maybe it was supposed to go this way after all. Maybe he isn’t the guy for Steph after all. )

Well, I can promise to be careful. Don’t you go meeting any men while I’m gone. I’d be heartbroken if you went and got married on me. Tear me up inside.

[dysmorphics]

Then ask me.

[ Said with a mixture of exasperation and fondness and you're such an idiot. But he won't dare, she's sure. He'd have already asked, if he wanted that. If he wanted her. ]

[ostavil]

( Now he’s even more confused. She’s angry at him for being with other women and doesn’t want him to make promises he can’t keep but now she wants a proposal? He wants to ask, absolutely, but he has no ring and he doesn’t want to do it because he’s been goaded into it. He wants to do it when it feels right. )

Five minutes ago you hated me for being with other women and now you want a proposal? I don’t know what to do with that, Steph. Isn’t that a promise I can’t keep if I go and die…

( He takes in a deep breath. )

There’s no one I want to marry more. But I want to do this the right way, not because I’m scared and you’re scared. I don’t even have anything to give you. I promise to ask when I get home. Is that okay?

[dysmorphics]

[ Okay, first off: ] I don't hate you, what are you even talking about? I just... I just wish you spent that time with me instead.

[ She hates how pathetic she sounds. How needy, how desperate. It's a moot point and arguing with him about it won't change anything. He's still leaving in the morning. Might even still die. Or live and come back a different man; she's heard of that happening to some of her father's friends.

Reminded of that, she swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand to rid them of tears. She wasn't supposed to cry and make this about her. So she leans in and wraps her arms around him apologetically. ] I'm sorry. I love you. Let's not... do this tonight. Fight. Argue. Whatever this is. I don't like it. I don't want you to leave and we're not... okay.

[ostavil]

It wasn’t what I planned on. What I planned on probably wasn’t for the best, though, so it’s better we wound up here instead.

( He doesn’t think now is the time to tell her he planned to declare his love and seduce her because it seems like a really stupid idea in hindsight. It might be the fantasy for a lot of women but it probably isn’t her fantasy. Not that he doesn’t think about sex with Steph - he does, a lot - but he doesn’t think very much about her wanting it with him as he does with her. )

We’re not in a bad place. And I meant it, when I come back and can buy a ring, we can get married if that’s what you still want.

[dysmorphics]

[ If you come back. But there's no use calling attention to that more than they already have, right? Between her giving him her father's compass and him declaring that he loved her after all because he thought he was going to die. ]

So... we're not gonna kiss and have sex?

[ She sounds disappointed. For a moment there she'd actually thought he was going to make up for being stupid by making love to her all night, like she'd wished he did and imagined countless times. Instead he's hung up on her being mad.

Or maybe he's just really not interested in her like that. Physically. She knows his type: red hair, long legs, curves. Not tiny blonde girls with noodle arms and sharp edges. ]

[ostavil]

(Bucky feels like he’s on the Cyclone at Coney Island at this point. First he’s stupid for being with other girls, then he’s supposed to propose to her, now they’re back around to sex which he had intended on but completely dropped when things went so sideways after telling her that he loved her. He shakes his head for a moment to clear it. )

Yeah, the original plan was to tell you I love you and to uh…well, it was gonna be a lot more romantic than just have sex but that was the plan before you got mad at me for being stupid and crying because I’m a cad and telling me not to make promises but then telling me to propose.

(Bucky runs his hand through his hair leaving it disheveled. He has no idea what to do now actually because he’s been pulled in fifteen directions. )

[dysmorphics]

[ Now he knows what it's like for her. She rolls her eyes. Why are men so dumb? How are they winning these wars? They'll just trip and fall into a ditch and die. ]

Oh yeah? And who told me he loves me this whole time he's been kissing other girls, then we'll just stay friends but I'm to wait for him and not get married while he's gone?

[ He's so goddamn infuriating sometimes. Stupid, stupid boy. But she loves him anyway. She purses her lips together. She's not going to cry, she's not going to cry... ]

I'm sorry for ruining your night. This wasn't how I hoped it would go, either.

[ She'd offer to leave so he can do whatever he actually wants, but what if he lets her? That'll haunt her for the rest of her life, however short it might be. So she chooses to be selfish and instead says: ] You all packed? I can fold your clothes if you need help.

[ostavil]

I never said we would stay friends, Steph. I said we kissed and then I wouldn’t be with anyone and you’d wait for me and we would have a relationship when I came home. Don’t put words into my mouth. I wasn’t asking you to wait while I slept my way through Europe.

( Bucky gives her a look that he wants to be sharp but comes out looking more wounded than anything else. )

I shouldn’t have said anything. Then we wouldn’t have fought. I just thought it would be easier, that’s all. I thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell you that I love you. Turns out I’m not exactly very good at this. And you know you have to repack my clothes. I always do it wrong.

[dysmorphics]

Sorry.

[ She can't stand that look. It doesn't suit him. He's supposed to be the strong, fearless, untouchable one. The blazing sun she revolves around, the one who gives her strength when all she wants to do is give up. ]

It's okay. Nobody's perfect, not even you. [ She touches his cheek. Gentle, uncertain, afraid. Very few things scare her, and losing him is one of them. ] Thank you for telling me. I've dreamed about it for years, even though I know I'll never be good enough for you. You deserve so much more than what I am and what I can give you. But still I hoped you would give me a chance. That one day you would notice me.

[ It's so dumb, falling in love. It makes her vulnerable and weepy, and she hates being perceived by him as incapable and weak and nothing more than a burden. ]

[ostavil]

I deserve what I want, which is you. Stop talking about what I want and don't want. I know what I want and I'm looking at her.

( Bucky guesses that actions speak louder than words so he pulls Steph into his lap and wraps his arms around her. )

Look at me. Would I lie to you?

[dysmorphics]

[ That's certainly a way to shut her up. Any protest she'd been at the verge of making dies in her tongue, though for a moment she doesn't look at him, instead idly fumbling with his tie. When her gaze finally lifts, it stumbles over his mouth, and her lips part slightly as she remembers how it had felt when they kissed earlier.

Would he lie to her? Did not telling her how he felt count? But she doesn't want to fight, not anymore, so she decides not to be a smartass about it. She shakes her head.

Then, a quiet plea: ] Say it again?

[ostavil]

I love you and I want you.

( Bucky says it simply because he's already tripped over his words more than once tonight and he feels like there's no ambiguity in that, no way she can misinterpret it for something else. He reaches out and brushes his fingers against her cheek and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. )

Unless you punch me, I'm gonna kiss you right now.

( So he does. He dips his head down and captures her lips in another kiss. If she wants him to stop, she can punch his arm like she has many times before, but he hopes she doesn't want to. He slides his hands down to cup her waist as he does, holding her close to him. )

[dysmorphics]

[ It's easy to drown out the voices of doubt and insecurity in her head when his mouth is on hers, when he's touching her. It's everything she's ever imagined and more, and she melts into the kiss with a happy sigh.

She follows his lead, though it's giving in to her own desires that she buries her fingers into his hair, an act she's always considered intimate and reserved for moments like these. She moans when his tongue slides into her mouth, and louder when his hand, though still over her dress, slides down to her thigh. God, the things she's thought of them doing...

It's with reluctance that they break the kiss several minutes later. She's out of breath and looking dazed; face flushed, eyes a little wild, heart beating fast. ]

I love you. I want you.

[ Because she has to say it too. ]