[ If you come back. But there's no use calling attention to that more than they already have, right? Between her giving him her father's compass and him declaring that he loved her after all because he thought he was going to die. ]
So... we're not gonna kiss and have sex?
[ She sounds disappointed. For a moment there she'd actually thought he was going to make up for being stupid by making love to her all night, like she'd wished he did and imagined countless times. Instead he's hung up on her being mad.
Or maybe he's just really not interested in her like that. Physically. She knows his type: red hair, long legs, curves. Not tiny blonde girls with noodle arms and sharp edges. ]
(Bucky feels like he’s on the Cyclone at Coney Island at this point. First he’s stupid for being with other girls, then he’s supposed to propose to her, now they’re back around to sex which he had intended on but completely dropped when things went so sideways after telling her that he loved her. He shakes his head for a moment to clear it. )
Yeah, the original plan was to tell you I love you and to uh…well, it was gonna be a lot more romantic than just have sex but that was the plan before you got mad at me for being stupid and crying because I’m a cad and telling me not to make promises but then telling me to propose.
(Bucky runs his hand through his hair leaving it disheveled. He has no idea what to do now actually because he’s been pulled in fifteen directions. )
[ Now he knows what it's like for her. She rolls her eyes. Why are men so dumb? How are they winning these wars? They'll just trip and fall into a ditch and die. ]
Oh yeah? And who told me he loves me this whole time he's been kissing other girls, then we'll just stay friends but I'm to wait for him and not get married while he's gone?
[ He's so goddamn infuriating sometimes. Stupid, stupid boy. But she loves him anyway. She purses her lips together. She's not going to cry, she's not going to cry... ]
I'm sorry for ruining your night. This wasn't how I hoped it would go, either.
[ She'd offer to leave so he can do whatever he actually wants, but what if he lets her? That'll haunt her for the rest of her life, however short it might be. So she chooses to be selfish and instead says: ] You all packed? I can fold your clothes if you need help.
I never said we would stay friends, Steph. I said we kissed and then I wouldn’t be with anyone and you’d wait for me and we would have a relationship when I came home. Don’t put words into my mouth. I wasn’t asking you to wait while I slept my way through Europe.
( Bucky gives her a look that he wants to be sharp but comes out looking more wounded than anything else. )
I shouldn’t have said anything. Then we wouldn’t have fought. I just thought it would be easier, that’s all. I thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell you that I love you. Turns out I’m not exactly very good at this. And you know you have to repack my clothes. I always do it wrong.
[ She can't stand that look. It doesn't suit him. He's supposed to be the strong, fearless, untouchable one. The blazing sun she revolves around, the one who gives her strength when all she wants to do is give up. ]
It's okay. Nobody's perfect, not even you. [ She touches his cheek. Gentle, uncertain, afraid. Very few things scare her, and losing him is one of them. ] Thank you for telling me. I've dreamed about it for years, even though I know I'll never be good enough for you. You deserve so much more than what I am and what I can give you. But still I hoped you would give me a chance. That one day you would notice me.
[ It's so dumb, falling in love. It makes her vulnerable and weepy, and she hates being perceived by him as incapable and weak and nothing more than a burden. ]
[ That's certainly a way to shut her up. Any protest she'd been at the verge of making dies in her tongue, though for a moment she doesn't look at him, instead idly fumbling with his tie. When her gaze finally lifts, it stumbles over his mouth, and her lips part slightly as she remembers how it had felt when they kissed earlier.
Would he lie to her? Did not telling her how he felt count? But she doesn't want to fight, not anymore, so she decides not to be a smartass about it. She shakes her head.
( Bucky says it simply because he's already tripped over his words more than once tonight and he feels like there's no ambiguity in that, no way she can misinterpret it for something else. He reaches out and brushes his fingers against her cheek and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. )
Unless you punch me, I'm gonna kiss you right now.
( So he does. He dips his head down and captures her lips in another kiss. If she wants him to stop, she can punch his arm like she has many times before, but he hopes she doesn't want to. He slides his hands down to cup her waist as he does, holding her close to him. )
[ It's easy to drown out the voices of doubt and insecurity in her head when his mouth is on hers, when he's touching her. It's everything she's ever imagined and more, and she melts into the kiss with a happy sigh.
She follows his lead, though it's giving in to her own desires that she buries her fingers into his hair, an act she's always considered intimate and reserved for moments like these. She moans when his tongue slides into her mouth, and louder when his hand, though still over her dress, slides down to her thigh. God, the things she's thought of them doing...
It's with reluctance that they break the kiss several minutes later. She's out of breath and looking dazed; face flushed, eyes a little wild, heart beating fast. ]
I hope you're aware I'm not waiting until marriage. That's gonna be forever considering how things are going and I can't wait that long.
( Maybe he would if there wasn't a war on but with the urgency of him leaving, he doesn't want to let this wait. He slides his hand under her skirt and lets his palm rest on her thigh; she's so thin that he feels like he could wrap his whole hand around her.
He doesn't stop kissing her, keeps kissing her like it's the only thing that's keeping him going, and nothing short of an asthma attack is going to get him to stop. )
[ Now that they've established that this isn't a pity date or a pity relationship or a pity whatever, she's willing to reveal her hand. Jealousy hadn't been the only reason she'd been upset earlier; it was also the thought of time being so casually wasted. She doesn't have time. She's worried about him dying in the war but she could get there before he does, between her asthma and her weak heart and consumption making the rounds.
So she doesn't resist when he slips his hand under her skirt, but it's not as if she can stop the moan that leaves her at the feel of his hand on her skin. She's unable to stop her legs from parting either, heat running through her at the thought of what else he could touch. Or kiss. God, she's going to lose her mind if he goes down on her.
Emboldened, she starts to undo his tie, then the top buttons of his dress shirt, while they kiss. She's always wanted to run her palms down his chest, and her mouth after them. ]
Then we should probably move because I'm way too tall for this couch.
( He could have sex on this couch, if he wanted, but not in the position he wants. She's unbuttoning his shirt right now and he tips his head back to offer her more room to do it. If they leave clothes all over his place, he doesn't care. )
[ She's seen him without a shirt on so many times before that this shouldn't have been a big deal. But the undressing part is new, and there's a thrill to popping the buttons and drawing the fabric off his shoulders to expose bare skin. She then leans in to press a kiss to his shoulder, and for a moment she just stays curled against him, closing her eyes as her fingers trail along his skin. ]
Mmmm. Okay.
[ She's yearned for him for for so long and with the quiet desperation of a dying girl that she'd have been fine no matter where he wanted to do the deed or how quickly he'd choose to get it over and done with. It's stupid, really, the things people do even if they know it would inevitably hurt them. How will she cope without him? How will she cope without him, having had this? It's not fair. ]
( Bucky drops his shirt and sweeps Steph up into his arms. She absolutely can walk the short way to his bedroom but it's about the gesture of it more than necessity. Well, it's necessary for him to do it but that's beside the point - she could walk it.
Once they're in his room, he sets her gently on her feet and starts working on the buttons of her dress. He knows he doesn't have to, that he can actually just flip it up and off, but this is sexier to him. )
[ She's been in his room before, fallen asleep with him on his bed even, but it had never been like this except in her head. She watches him intently, for a moment worried that he's going to change his mind, that he won't like what he finds beneath her dress, that he will tell her that he can't do this after all and ask her to leave -- but he does none of those things.
So she smiles; relieved, thrilled, enamored. She feels a rush of heat when she catches the intensity of his gaze and his promise, and her knees grow weak all of a sudden. She's sure neither has anything to do with her existing conditions. ]
I mean, I wasn't gonna, but is that what you want? Cause I could?
( Bucky doesn't want to mess this up, actually, so if she wants poetry and candles he thinks he can rustle that up but he was actually just going to do what he knows how to do and hope that was good enough.
I don't know... [ She laughs softly, ducking her head. She'd said it almost automatically, just like their usual banter, but it actually doesn't feel right to ask. She doesn't want him to think that she's difficult and hard to please and that other girls are more fun to be around. It's embarrasing enough that she's inexperienced.
Though there's one thing she really really wants, which she dares to ask, looking up at him: ] Will you let me sketch you later?
[ More like, if she doesn't pass out from exhaustion. But she's not going to say that. She refuses to let her body get in the way of tonight, especially since she's wanted this for years. She can sleep and recover tomorrow, after he's left. ]
Yeah, naked. I'll place it under my pillow, look at it when I'm feeling frisky.
[ She's nervous, so she's babbling. After all, she's standing in front of him, in his bedroom, in just her underwear. She knows she's not pretty by most people's standards, and not particularly interesting either. Is he sure about this? About her? ]
Nowhere, right this second. I'm not finished undressing you. Can't have sex if half your clothes are still on.
( Bucky steps closer to her and kisses her again. While he does, though, he unhooks her bra and tugs it off to toss onto the floor. He slides his hand up to cup one of her breasts and moves his lips along her jaw and neck and presses them against her ear. )
[ She lets out a sweet little whimper when he cups her breast. This is really happening. He's kissing her, touching her, telling her that she's beautiful. It makes her feel somewhat light-headed, but mostly warm... and restless. She grips the waistband of his pants, then her fingers begin to search for the buttons. Is he wearing a belt? She can't remember, so she just has to feel her way through. ]
You thought about me a lot, huh?
[ More nervous babbling, in between moans and gasps and other sounds of pleasure. ]
( Bucky hooks his hands in her underwear and tugs them down. She's unbuttoned his pants and he shimmies out of them. He isn't in anything but his shorts now and he pushes them away because he desperately needs to be naked.
The entire time, he's kissing her, and he backs her up to the bed as he does. )
[ She has to laugh, though the sound is muffled since they're still kissing. They've both been so so stupid. Could've saved each other a lot of trouble and heartache, really. Could've had more time to enjoy each other.
She pulls back, a little breathless now, to look up at him. ] No more secrets, okay? Our friendship can handle it. Promise?
[ Then her gaze wanders, lower and lower, because they're both completely naked now and it's weird because he's her best friend, yet it's also perfect because he is. She can't imagine being vulnerable with anyone else. ]
( Bucky follows her gaze for a moment and laughs before pushing her back onto the bed. Maybe he should be more delicate about it - Steph is sort of fragile - but he's not thinking about that right now. He's just thinking about finally being with her. )
You see something you like down there or am I failing to measure up to the other nude portraits you've drawn?
[ She'd probably have been offended by the pushing in other circumstances, but this time she just laughs, props herself up on her elbows, and opens her legs suggestively.
It's so easy to have fun around him. So easy to be happy. ]
I'm not sure. I'm gonna need a thorough examination.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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So... we're not gonna kiss and have sex?
[ She sounds disappointed. For a moment there she'd actually thought he was going to make up for being stupid by making love to her all night, like she'd wished he did and imagined countless times. Instead he's hung up on her being mad.
Or maybe he's just really not interested in her like that. Physically. She knows his type: red hair, long legs, curves. Not tiny blonde girls with noodle arms and sharp edges. ]
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Yeah, the original plan was to tell you I love you and to uh…well, it was gonna be a lot more romantic than just have sex but that was the plan before you got mad at me for being stupid and crying because I’m a cad and telling me not to make promises but then telling me to propose.
(Bucky runs his hand through his hair leaving it disheveled. He has no idea what to do now actually because he’s been pulled in fifteen directions. )
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Oh yeah? And who told me he loves me this whole time he's been kissing other girls, then we'll just stay friends but I'm to wait for him and not get married while he's gone?
[ He's so goddamn infuriating sometimes. Stupid, stupid boy. But she loves him anyway. She purses her lips together. She's not going to cry, she's not going to cry... ]
I'm sorry for ruining your night. This wasn't how I hoped it would go, either.
[ She'd offer to leave so he can do whatever he actually wants, but what if he lets her? That'll haunt her for the rest of her life, however short it might be. So she chooses to be selfish and instead says: ] You all packed? I can fold your clothes if you need help.
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( Bucky gives her a look that he wants to be sharp but comes out looking more wounded than anything else. )
I shouldn’t have said anything. Then we wouldn’t have fought. I just thought it would be easier, that’s all. I thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell you that I love you. Turns out I’m not exactly very good at this. And you know you have to repack my clothes. I always do it wrong.
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[ She can't stand that look. It doesn't suit him. He's supposed to be the strong, fearless, untouchable one. The blazing sun she revolves around, the one who gives her strength when all she wants to do is give up. ]
It's okay. Nobody's perfect, not even you. [ She touches his cheek. Gentle, uncertain, afraid. Very few things scare her, and losing him is one of them. ] Thank you for telling me. I've dreamed about it for years, even though I know I'll never be good enough for you. You deserve so much more than what I am and what I can give you. But still I hoped you would give me a chance. That one day you would notice me.
[ It's so dumb, falling in love. It makes her vulnerable and weepy, and she hates being perceived by him as incapable and weak and nothing more than a burden. ]
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( Bucky guesses that actions speak louder than words so he pulls Steph into his lap and wraps his arms around her. )
Look at me. Would I lie to you?
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Would he lie to her? Did not telling her how he felt count? But she doesn't want to fight, not anymore, so she decides not to be a smartass about it. She shakes her head.
Then, a quiet plea: ] Say it again?
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( Bucky says it simply because he's already tripped over his words more than once tonight and he feels like there's no ambiguity in that, no way she can misinterpret it for something else. He reaches out and brushes his fingers against her cheek and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. )
Unless you punch me, I'm gonna kiss you right now.
( So he does. He dips his head down and captures her lips in another kiss. If she wants him to stop, she can punch his arm like she has many times before, but he hopes she doesn't want to. He slides his hands down to cup her waist as he does, holding her close to him. )
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She follows his lead, though it's giving in to her own desires that she buries her fingers into his hair, an act she's always considered intimate and reserved for moments like these. She moans when his tongue slides into her mouth, and louder when his hand, though still over her dress, slides down to her thigh. God, the things she's thought of them doing...
It's with reluctance that they break the kiss several minutes later. She's out of breath and looking dazed; face flushed, eyes a little wild, heart beating fast. ]
I love you. I want you.
[ Because she has to say it too. ]
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( Maybe he would if there wasn't a war on but with the urgency of him leaving, he doesn't want to let this wait. He slides his hand under her skirt and lets his palm rest on her thigh; she's so thin that he feels like he could wrap his whole hand around her.
He doesn't stop kissing her, keeps kissing her like it's the only thing that's keeping him going, and nothing short of an asthma attack is going to get him to stop. )
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[ Now that they've established that this isn't a pity date or a pity relationship or a pity whatever, she's willing to reveal her hand. Jealousy hadn't been the only reason she'd been upset earlier; it was also the thought of time being so casually wasted. She doesn't have time. She's worried about him dying in the war but she could get there before he does, between her asthma and her weak heart and consumption making the rounds.
So she doesn't resist when he slips his hand under her skirt, but it's not as if she can stop the moan that leaves her at the feel of his hand on her skin. She's unable to stop her legs from parting either, heat running through her at the thought of what else he could touch. Or kiss. God, she's going to lose her mind if he goes down on her.
Emboldened, she starts to undo his tie, then the top buttons of his dress shirt, while they kiss. She's always wanted to run her palms down his chest, and her mouth after them. ]
no subject
( He could have sex on this couch, if he wanted, but not in the position he wants. She's unbuttoning his shirt right now and he tips his head back to offer her more room to do it. If they leave clothes all over his place, he doesn't care. )
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Mmmm. Okay.
[ She's yearned for him for for so long and with the quiet desperation of a dying girl that she'd have been fine no matter where he wanted to do the deed or how quickly he'd choose to get it over and done with. It's stupid, really, the things people do even if they know it would inevitably hurt them. How will she cope without him? How will she cope without him, having had this? It's not fair. ]
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Once they're in his room, he sets her gently on her feet and starts working on the buttons of her dress. He knows he doesn't have to, that he can actually just flip it up and off, but this is sexier to him. )
I'm gonna make you melt. You know that, right?
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So she smiles; relieved, thrilled, enamored. She feels a rush of heat when she catches the intensity of his gaze and his promise, and her knees grow weak all of a sudden. She's sure neither has anything to do with her existing conditions. ]
You gonna recite poetry, James?
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( Bucky doesn't want to mess this up, actually, so if she wants poetry and candles he thinks he can rustle that up but he was actually just going to do what he knows how to do and hope that was good enough.
He's nervous. He's never been nervous. )
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Though there's one thing she really really wants, which she dares to ask, looking up at him: ] Will you let me sketch you later?
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( Bucky grins at her and finishes working on her dress, pushes it off. )
If you have a brain after this, go for it.
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Yeah, naked. I'll place it under my pillow, look at it when I'm feeling frisky.
[ She's nervous, so she's babbling. After all, she's standing in front of him, in his bedroom, in just her underwear. She knows she's not pretty by most people's standards, and not particularly interesting either. Is he sure about this? About her? ]
So, um. Where do you want me...?
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( Bucky steps closer to her and kisses her again. While he does, though, he unhooks her bra and tugs it off to toss onto the floor. He slides his hand up to cup one of her breasts and moves his lips along her jaw and neck and presses them against her ear. )
You're gorgeous, you know. I knew you would be.
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You thought about me a lot, huh?
[ More nervous babbling, in between moans and gasps and other sounds of pleasure. ]
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( Bucky hooks his hands in her underwear and tugs them down. She's unbuttoned his pants and he shimmies out of them. He isn't in anything but his shorts now and he pushes them away because he desperately needs to be naked.
The entire time, he's kissing her, and he backs her up to the bed as he does. )
There's so many things I'm gonna do to you.
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[ She has to laugh, though the sound is muffled since they're still kissing. They've both been so so stupid. Could've saved each other a lot of trouble and heartache, really. Could've had more time to enjoy each other.
She pulls back, a little breathless now, to look up at him. ] No more secrets, okay? Our friendship can handle it. Promise?
[ Then her gaze wanders, lower and lower, because they're both completely naked now and it's weird because he's her best friend, yet it's also perfect because he is. She can't imagine being vulnerable with anyone else. ]
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You see something you like down there or am I failing to measure up to the other nude portraits you've drawn?
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It's so easy to have fun around him. So easy to be happy. ]
I'm not sure. I'm gonna need a thorough examination.
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