[ How can he know her so well, yet also not know her at all? ]
I've been right here, this whole time, and you never figured out I've always wanted to be with you.
[ An indignant outburst, typical of her, but this time she quickly deflates. She tries, desperately, to blink back her tears, but her chest begins to constrict and she has to release an awful, pitiful sob. ]
( Shit. She’s crying. This is the complete opposite of what he wanted when he told her his feelings and the thing he’d feared the most, actually. Steph is crying over everything he’s done to her since they’ve been old enough to date and his excuse about their friendship feels flimsy in comparison. He’s never been able to stand her tears but he’s afraid that his touch will make it worse so he waits a moment or two before wrapping his arm around her. He’s done that as a friend a million times. It’s no different. )
I ruined it. I ruined everything.
(He thinks he might cry too actually but he sucks it up because that’s the last thing she needs right now. It’s not even remotely about him anymore.)
I hurt you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m just…let’s not change anything for now. We kissed and I’m not going to be with anyone else but when I get home again, maybe we can try. I’ll write you every day.
[ Had this happened at a different time, she'd have shoved him away. But he was going off to war and, just like her father, probably never coming back. That makes her clutch the front of his shirt and bury her face against his chest instead, as she sinks into his arms. ]
You didn't ruin anything. But... don't make promises you can't keep. It'll just hurt more.
[ If he finds someone else and chooses her instead? Steph can live with that. That means he's alive and happy, and while it'll hurt yet again, she can take it.
But his death will probably kill her too. Maybe that's the only way they can be together. It's not fair. ]
( Bucky shakes his head and holds her a little closer, close as he dares with as fragile as she is. He didn’t expect tonight to go this direction but maybe it was supposed to go this way after all. Maybe he isn’t the guy for Steph after all. )
Well, I can promise to be careful. Don’t you go meeting any men while I’m gone. I’d be heartbroken if you went and got married on me. Tear me up inside.
[ Said with a mixture of exasperation and fondness and you're such an idiot. But he won't dare, she's sure. He'd have already asked, if he wanted that. If he wanted her. ]
( Now he’s even more confused. She’s angry at him for being with other women and doesn’t want him to make promises he can’t keep but now she wants a proposal? He wants to ask, absolutely, but he has no ring and he doesn’t want to do it because he’s been goaded into it. He wants to do it when it feels right. )
Five minutes ago you hated me for being with other women and now you want a proposal? I don’t know what to do with that, Steph. Isn’t that a promise I can’t keep if I go and die…
( He takes in a deep breath. )
There’s no one I want to marry more. But I want to do this the right way, not because I’m scared and you’re scared. I don’t even have anything to give you. I promise to ask when I get home. Is that okay?
[ Okay, first off: ] I don't hate you, what are you even talking about? I just... I just wish you spent that time with me instead.
[ She hates how pathetic she sounds. How needy, how desperate. It's a moot point and arguing with him about it won't change anything. He's still leaving in the morning. Might even still die. Or live and come back a different man; she's heard of that happening to some of her father's friends.
Reminded of that, she swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand to rid them of tears. She wasn't supposed to cry and make this about her. So she leans in and wraps her arms around him apologetically. ] I'm sorry. I love you. Let's not... do this tonight. Fight. Argue. Whatever this is. I don't like it. I don't want you to leave and we're not... okay.
It wasn’t what I planned on. What I planned on probably wasn’t for the best, though, so it’s better we wound up here instead.
( He doesn’t think now is the time to tell her he planned to declare his love and seduce her because it seems like a really stupid idea in hindsight. It might be the fantasy for a lot of women but it probably isn’t her fantasy. Not that he doesn’t think about sex with Steph - he does, a lot - but he doesn’t think very much about her wanting it with him as he does with her. )
We’re not in a bad place. And I meant it, when I come back and can buy a ring, we can get married if that’s what you still want.
[ If you come back. But there's no use calling attention to that more than they already have, right? Between her giving him her father's compass and him declaring that he loved her after all because he thought he was going to die. ]
So... we're not gonna kiss and have sex?
[ She sounds disappointed. For a moment there she'd actually thought he was going to make up for being stupid by making love to her all night, like she'd wished he did and imagined countless times. Instead he's hung up on her being mad.
Or maybe he's just really not interested in her like that. Physically. She knows his type: red hair, long legs, curves. Not tiny blonde girls with noodle arms and sharp edges. ]
(Bucky feels like he’s on the Cyclone at Coney Island at this point. First he’s stupid for being with other girls, then he’s supposed to propose to her, now they’re back around to sex which he had intended on but completely dropped when things went so sideways after telling her that he loved her. He shakes his head for a moment to clear it. )
Yeah, the original plan was to tell you I love you and to uh…well, it was gonna be a lot more romantic than just have sex but that was the plan before you got mad at me for being stupid and crying because I’m a cad and telling me not to make promises but then telling me to propose.
(Bucky runs his hand through his hair leaving it disheveled. He has no idea what to do now actually because he’s been pulled in fifteen directions. )
[ Now he knows what it's like for her. She rolls her eyes. Why are men so dumb? How are they winning these wars? They'll just trip and fall into a ditch and die. ]
Oh yeah? And who told me he loves me this whole time he's been kissing other girls, then we'll just stay friends but I'm to wait for him and not get married while he's gone?
[ He's so goddamn infuriating sometimes. Stupid, stupid boy. But she loves him anyway. She purses her lips together. She's not going to cry, she's not going to cry... ]
I'm sorry for ruining your night. This wasn't how I hoped it would go, either.
[ She'd offer to leave so he can do whatever he actually wants, but what if he lets her? That'll haunt her for the rest of her life, however short it might be. So she chooses to be selfish and instead says: ] You all packed? I can fold your clothes if you need help.
I never said we would stay friends, Steph. I said we kissed and then I wouldn’t be with anyone and you’d wait for me and we would have a relationship when I came home. Don’t put words into my mouth. I wasn’t asking you to wait while I slept my way through Europe.
( Bucky gives her a look that he wants to be sharp but comes out looking more wounded than anything else. )
I shouldn’t have said anything. Then we wouldn’t have fought. I just thought it would be easier, that’s all. I thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell you that I love you. Turns out I’m not exactly very good at this. And you know you have to repack my clothes. I always do it wrong.
[ She can't stand that look. It doesn't suit him. He's supposed to be the strong, fearless, untouchable one. The blazing sun she revolves around, the one who gives her strength when all she wants to do is give up. ]
It's okay. Nobody's perfect, not even you. [ She touches his cheek. Gentle, uncertain, afraid. Very few things scare her, and losing him is one of them. ] Thank you for telling me. I've dreamed about it for years, even though I know I'll never be good enough for you. You deserve so much more than what I am and what I can give you. But still I hoped you would give me a chance. That one day you would notice me.
[ It's so dumb, falling in love. It makes her vulnerable and weepy, and she hates being perceived by him as incapable and weak and nothing more than a burden. ]
[ That's certainly a way to shut her up. Any protest she'd been at the verge of making dies in her tongue, though for a moment she doesn't look at him, instead idly fumbling with his tie. When her gaze finally lifts, it stumbles over his mouth, and her lips part slightly as she remembers how it had felt when they kissed earlier.
Would he lie to her? Did not telling her how he felt count? But she doesn't want to fight, not anymore, so she decides not to be a smartass about it. She shakes her head.
( Bucky says it simply because he's already tripped over his words more than once tonight and he feels like there's no ambiguity in that, no way she can misinterpret it for something else. He reaches out and brushes his fingers against her cheek and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. )
Unless you punch me, I'm gonna kiss you right now.
( So he does. He dips his head down and captures her lips in another kiss. If she wants him to stop, she can punch his arm like she has many times before, but he hopes she doesn't want to. He slides his hands down to cup her waist as he does, holding her close to him. )
[ It's easy to drown out the voices of doubt and insecurity in her head when his mouth is on hers, when he's touching her. It's everything she's ever imagined and more, and she melts into the kiss with a happy sigh.
She follows his lead, though it's giving in to her own desires that she buries her fingers into his hair, an act she's always considered intimate and reserved for moments like these. She moans when his tongue slides into her mouth, and louder when his hand, though still over her dress, slides down to her thigh. God, the things she's thought of them doing...
It's with reluctance that they break the kiss several minutes later. She's out of breath and looking dazed; face flushed, eyes a little wild, heart beating fast. ]
I hope you're aware I'm not waiting until marriage. That's gonna be forever considering how things are going and I can't wait that long.
( Maybe he would if there wasn't a war on but with the urgency of him leaving, he doesn't want to let this wait. He slides his hand under her skirt and lets his palm rest on her thigh; she's so thin that he feels like he could wrap his whole hand around her.
He doesn't stop kissing her, keeps kissing her like it's the only thing that's keeping him going, and nothing short of an asthma attack is going to get him to stop. )
[ Now that they've established that this isn't a pity date or a pity relationship or a pity whatever, she's willing to reveal her hand. Jealousy hadn't been the only reason she'd been upset earlier; it was also the thought of time being so casually wasted. She doesn't have time. She's worried about him dying in the war but she could get there before he does, between her asthma and her weak heart and consumption making the rounds.
So she doesn't resist when he slips his hand under her skirt, but it's not as if she can stop the moan that leaves her at the feel of his hand on her skin. She's unable to stop her legs from parting either, heat running through her at the thought of what else he could touch. Or kiss. God, she's going to lose her mind if he goes down on her.
Emboldened, she starts to undo his tie, then the top buttons of his dress shirt, while they kiss. She's always wanted to run her palms down his chest, and her mouth after them. ]
Then we should probably move because I'm way too tall for this couch.
( He could have sex on this couch, if he wanted, but not in the position he wants. She's unbuttoning his shirt right now and he tips his head back to offer her more room to do it. If they leave clothes all over his place, he doesn't care. )
[ She's seen him without a shirt on so many times before that this shouldn't have been a big deal. But the undressing part is new, and there's a thrill to popping the buttons and drawing the fabric off his shoulders to expose bare skin. She then leans in to press a kiss to his shoulder, and for a moment she just stays curled against him, closing her eyes as her fingers trail along his skin. ]
Mmmm. Okay.
[ She's yearned for him for for so long and with the quiet desperation of a dying girl that she'd have been fine no matter where he wanted to do the deed or how quickly he'd choose to get it over and done with. It's stupid, really, the things people do even if they know it would inevitably hurt them. How will she cope without him? How will she cope without him, having had this? It's not fair. ]
( Bucky drops his shirt and sweeps Steph up into his arms. She absolutely can walk the short way to his bedroom but it's about the gesture of it more than necessity. Well, it's necessary for him to do it but that's beside the point - she could walk it.
Once they're in his room, he sets her gently on her feet and starts working on the buttons of her dress. He knows he doesn't have to, that he can actually just flip it up and off, but this is sexier to him. )
[ She's been in his room before, fallen asleep with him on his bed even, but it had never been like this except in her head. She watches him intently, for a moment worried that he's going to change his mind, that he won't like what he finds beneath her dress, that he will tell her that he can't do this after all and ask her to leave -- but he does none of those things.
So she smiles; relieved, thrilled, enamored. She feels a rush of heat when she catches the intensity of his gaze and his promise, and her knees grow weak all of a sudden. She's sure neither has anything to do with her existing conditions. ]
I mean, I wasn't gonna, but is that what you want? Cause I could?
( Bucky doesn't want to mess this up, actually, so if she wants poetry and candles he thinks he can rustle that up but he was actually just going to do what he knows how to do and hope that was good enough.
I don't know... [ She laughs softly, ducking her head. She'd said it almost automatically, just like their usual banter, but it actually doesn't feel right to ask. She doesn't want him to think that she's difficult and hard to please and that other girls are more fun to be around. It's embarrasing enough that she's inexperienced.
Though there's one thing she really really wants, which she dares to ask, looking up at him: ] Will you let me sketch you later?
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I've been right here, this whole time, and you never figured out I've always wanted to be with you.
[ An indignant outburst, typical of her, but this time she quickly deflates. She tries, desperately, to blink back her tears, but her chest begins to constrict and she has to release an awful, pitiful sob. ]
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I ruined it. I ruined everything.
(He thinks he might cry too actually but he sucks it up because that’s the last thing she needs right now. It’s not even remotely about him anymore.)
I hurt you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m just…let’s not change anything for now. We kissed and I’m not going to be with anyone else but when I get home again, maybe we can try. I’ll write you every day.
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You didn't ruin anything. But... don't make promises you can't keep. It'll just hurt more.
[ If he finds someone else and chooses her instead? Steph can live with that. That means he's alive and happy, and while it'll hurt yet again, she can take it.
But his death will probably kill her too. Maybe that's the only way they can be together. It's not fair. ]
I wish we had more time.
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Well, I can promise to be careful. Don’t you go meeting any men while I’m gone. I’d be heartbroken if you went and got married on me. Tear me up inside.
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[ Said with a mixture of exasperation and fondness and you're such an idiot. But he won't dare, she's sure. He'd have already asked, if he wanted that. If he wanted her. ]
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Five minutes ago you hated me for being with other women and now you want a proposal? I don’t know what to do with that, Steph. Isn’t that a promise I can’t keep if I go and die…
( He takes in a deep breath. )
There’s no one I want to marry more. But I want to do this the right way, not because I’m scared and you’re scared. I don’t even have anything to give you. I promise to ask when I get home. Is that okay?
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[ She hates how pathetic she sounds. How needy, how desperate. It's a moot point and arguing with him about it won't change anything. He's still leaving in the morning. Might even still die. Or live and come back a different man; she's heard of that happening to some of her father's friends.
Reminded of that, she swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand to rid them of tears. She wasn't supposed to cry and make this about her. So she leans in and wraps her arms around him apologetically. ] I'm sorry. I love you. Let's not... do this tonight. Fight. Argue. Whatever this is. I don't like it. I don't want you to leave and we're not... okay.
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( He doesn’t think now is the time to tell her he planned to declare his love and seduce her because it seems like a really stupid idea in hindsight. It might be the fantasy for a lot of women but it probably isn’t her fantasy. Not that he doesn’t think about sex with Steph - he does, a lot - but he doesn’t think very much about her wanting it with him as he does with her. )
We’re not in a bad place. And I meant it, when I come back and can buy a ring, we can get married if that’s what you still want.
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So... we're not gonna kiss and have sex?
[ She sounds disappointed. For a moment there she'd actually thought he was going to make up for being stupid by making love to her all night, like she'd wished he did and imagined countless times. Instead he's hung up on her being mad.
Or maybe he's just really not interested in her like that. Physically. She knows his type: red hair, long legs, curves. Not tiny blonde girls with noodle arms and sharp edges. ]
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Yeah, the original plan was to tell you I love you and to uh…well, it was gonna be a lot more romantic than just have sex but that was the plan before you got mad at me for being stupid and crying because I’m a cad and telling me not to make promises but then telling me to propose.
(Bucky runs his hand through his hair leaving it disheveled. He has no idea what to do now actually because he’s been pulled in fifteen directions. )
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Oh yeah? And who told me he loves me this whole time he's been kissing other girls, then we'll just stay friends but I'm to wait for him and not get married while he's gone?
[ He's so goddamn infuriating sometimes. Stupid, stupid boy. But she loves him anyway. She purses her lips together. She's not going to cry, she's not going to cry... ]
I'm sorry for ruining your night. This wasn't how I hoped it would go, either.
[ She'd offer to leave so he can do whatever he actually wants, but what if he lets her? That'll haunt her for the rest of her life, however short it might be. So she chooses to be selfish and instead says: ] You all packed? I can fold your clothes if you need help.
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( Bucky gives her a look that he wants to be sharp but comes out looking more wounded than anything else. )
I shouldn’t have said anything. Then we wouldn’t have fought. I just thought it would be easier, that’s all. I thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell you that I love you. Turns out I’m not exactly very good at this. And you know you have to repack my clothes. I always do it wrong.
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[ She can't stand that look. It doesn't suit him. He's supposed to be the strong, fearless, untouchable one. The blazing sun she revolves around, the one who gives her strength when all she wants to do is give up. ]
It's okay. Nobody's perfect, not even you. [ She touches his cheek. Gentle, uncertain, afraid. Very few things scare her, and losing him is one of them. ] Thank you for telling me. I've dreamed about it for years, even though I know I'll never be good enough for you. You deserve so much more than what I am and what I can give you. But still I hoped you would give me a chance. That one day you would notice me.
[ It's so dumb, falling in love. It makes her vulnerable and weepy, and she hates being perceived by him as incapable and weak and nothing more than a burden. ]
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( Bucky guesses that actions speak louder than words so he pulls Steph into his lap and wraps his arms around her. )
Look at me. Would I lie to you?
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Would he lie to her? Did not telling her how he felt count? But she doesn't want to fight, not anymore, so she decides not to be a smartass about it. She shakes her head.
Then, a quiet plea: ] Say it again?
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( Bucky says it simply because he's already tripped over his words more than once tonight and he feels like there's no ambiguity in that, no way she can misinterpret it for something else. He reaches out and brushes his fingers against her cheek and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. )
Unless you punch me, I'm gonna kiss you right now.
( So he does. He dips his head down and captures her lips in another kiss. If she wants him to stop, she can punch his arm like she has many times before, but he hopes she doesn't want to. He slides his hands down to cup her waist as he does, holding her close to him. )
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She follows his lead, though it's giving in to her own desires that she buries her fingers into his hair, an act she's always considered intimate and reserved for moments like these. She moans when his tongue slides into her mouth, and louder when his hand, though still over her dress, slides down to her thigh. God, the things she's thought of them doing...
It's with reluctance that they break the kiss several minutes later. She's out of breath and looking dazed; face flushed, eyes a little wild, heart beating fast. ]
I love you. I want you.
[ Because she has to say it too. ]
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( Maybe he would if there wasn't a war on but with the urgency of him leaving, he doesn't want to let this wait. He slides his hand under her skirt and lets his palm rest on her thigh; she's so thin that he feels like he could wrap his whole hand around her.
He doesn't stop kissing her, keeps kissing her like it's the only thing that's keeping him going, and nothing short of an asthma attack is going to get him to stop. )
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[ Now that they've established that this isn't a pity date or a pity relationship or a pity whatever, she's willing to reveal her hand. Jealousy hadn't been the only reason she'd been upset earlier; it was also the thought of time being so casually wasted. She doesn't have time. She's worried about him dying in the war but she could get there before he does, between her asthma and her weak heart and consumption making the rounds.
So she doesn't resist when he slips his hand under her skirt, but it's not as if she can stop the moan that leaves her at the feel of his hand on her skin. She's unable to stop her legs from parting either, heat running through her at the thought of what else he could touch. Or kiss. God, she's going to lose her mind if he goes down on her.
Emboldened, she starts to undo his tie, then the top buttons of his dress shirt, while they kiss. She's always wanted to run her palms down his chest, and her mouth after them. ]
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( He could have sex on this couch, if he wanted, but not in the position he wants. She's unbuttoning his shirt right now and he tips his head back to offer her more room to do it. If they leave clothes all over his place, he doesn't care. )
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Mmmm. Okay.
[ She's yearned for him for for so long and with the quiet desperation of a dying girl that she'd have been fine no matter where he wanted to do the deed or how quickly he'd choose to get it over and done with. It's stupid, really, the things people do even if they know it would inevitably hurt them. How will she cope without him? How will she cope without him, having had this? It's not fair. ]
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Once they're in his room, he sets her gently on her feet and starts working on the buttons of her dress. He knows he doesn't have to, that he can actually just flip it up and off, but this is sexier to him. )
I'm gonna make you melt. You know that, right?
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So she smiles; relieved, thrilled, enamored. She feels a rush of heat when she catches the intensity of his gaze and his promise, and her knees grow weak all of a sudden. She's sure neither has anything to do with her existing conditions. ]
You gonna recite poetry, James?
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( Bucky doesn't want to mess this up, actually, so if she wants poetry and candles he thinks he can rustle that up but he was actually just going to do what he knows how to do and hope that was good enough.
He's nervous. He's never been nervous. )
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Though there's one thing she really really wants, which she dares to ask, looking up at him: ] Will you let me sketch you later?
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