dysmorphics | it's you and me up against the world, it's you and me

"Folks are the same as always," Bucky said with a shrug between (delicious) bites. "They don't change. But if I don't show up on Sundays they send Becca to track me down." There had even been several Monday mornings where Becca threw a big enough of a stink in the SSR lobby that she was allowed to actually enter the offices now, and there weren't many people allowed back there.

"She's good though. Working, and likes her job." Bucky thought working suited her, and whoever she picked to settle down with better understand that.

"The last time I saw Becca," Steph said, referring to the Becca of her timeline, "she was old. Had kids, grandkids. She kept harping if you asked me, but I had no clue what she meant and just said yes so I wouldn't upset her. She was so happy." She poked at her food with her fork. Guess she knew now what he had been supposed to ask her.

"She also kept some of our pictures. Apparently she broke into my apartment after getting the news of my death and cleaned out as much of my stuff as she could, since she guessed the government might take them." She grabbed the phone and pulled up the photo of her and Becca, old and senile, in the hospital.

Bucky took Steph's phone to look at the picture, a soft, sad smile on his face. This was, apparently, a Becca that had to live with his supposed "death," but Steph showed up, and his annoying little sister was still asking if he ever made a move.

"She, uh, pretty much did the same thing after this Steph disappeared," he told Steph as he passed the phone back to her. "But instead of hanging onto your stuff, I've got it now. I got it from her after I got home." Because of course he did. Why wouldn't Bucky take custody of Steph's things?

And most of it was sitting out in his apartment, in places he thought Steph would have put it, like the properly delusional man he was.

That explained the handkerchief. Though Steph wouldn't have been surprised if she'd forgotten it at Bucky's place or he'd borrowed it and never returned it or something like that. They were best of friends, after all, and they used to do so much together.

Another spell of silence took hold. Idle conversation used to come so easy for them, but that was before the war and everything else had changed them. Anyway, she did her best to pretend it didn't bother her and continue eating.

She had to say something eventually though, and somehow she ended up telling him, of all things, "You look good. I mean, in that. Your face looks like shit and you need sleep, but I haven't seen you all cleaned up in a while." It was a compliment! She wouldn't be blushing if it wasn't.

Bucky blinked at that for a moment, then couldn't help laughing. "Steph, I only saw the one picture of the guy, but if you think I look cleaned up like this, then the future Bucky musta looked like a legitimate hobo."

Sure, his hair was short and brushed, but Bucky often skipped shaving, and his clothes were usually rumpled. He was aware that he didn't take care of himself the way he should, or the way he used to before he shipped out.

He also had this issue where he made plenty of money, but he didn't eat as much as he knew he should. Or sleep enough. Any of that.

"Hey, that's not—" Then Steph was laughing too, if only because Bucky's laughter was contagious. "That's mean, especially coming from you. I just meant this fashion never really made a comeback," she said with a broad gesture toward what he was wearing, "except for formal occasions. Galas and press conferences and things. So I've only ever seen him in body armor and t-shirts and jackets since."

Having turned red all the way to her hairline in embarrassment, she ducked her head and poked at her last bit of stew self-consciously. "You look good in anything though." And probably in nothing, but she wasn't about to say that out loud.

Even when Bucky's laughter faded, the grin stayed on his face. He really did miss the sound of Steph's laughter, and hearing it almost felt like a little something inside him healed, at least for the time being. So, for the moment, he was content to watch her with a grin on his face. "Ma would kill me if I just walked around in t-shirts at my age," he told her. "And I already get earfuls about plenty of other shit without that. Even if it does sound more comfortable."

His least favorite thing to get an earful about was meeting a nice girl. Bucky didn't want that, dammit. At least Becca usually ran interference most of the time when that topic came up.

"You look good, too, you know," Bucky said simply before shoving the last bite of his dinner into his mouth. Then he waited until he was standing up with his plate and heading towards the sink to rinse it off before adding. "I always thought you looked good, though."

"People don't care as much in the future." Steph glanced down at her own clothes. "I wear these for my morning runs. They're very comfy."

Which was where she thought Bucky's compliment was coming from. These yoga pants were very flattering to her ass, and while she hated the attention people gave to her appearance, she did like how comfortable sportswear had become. Wearing shorts would probably be worse; she just might as well run in a bikini.

So she was surprised when he said he always thought she looked good. Laughing in disbelief, she reminded him, "I was all elbows and knees, Buck. Sharp edges and no curves." She frowned after a moment and looked down at her body again. "I dunno if Pegs feels the same, but maybe not, she was healthy in my timeline. But I... it's weird, Buck. Being in this body. I don't... I don't feel like myself. Instead I feel like I'm only wearing it and it doesn't even fit."

Then she shrugged and stood to rinse her plate. "You know what they made me do after they shot me up with the serum? The goddamn USO shows." She knew it was different here, that Peggy never had to be Lady Liberty. "It wasn't until after we took out that HYDRA factory that they made me part of the Army, and only because they had no choice. The soldiers talked. 'America's favorite pin up girl saves the day' was too good an opportunity to pass up."

"I'm well aware of what you looked like before, Steph," Bucky said with a roll of his eyes as he turned on the hot water tap to start warming up so he could wash their dishes, then stepped back to the stove to test the temperature of the food still sitting on the stove. If nothing else, he knew he wasn't supposed to put it in the fridge when it was still hot--it'd warm everything else in there up. "Not only do I just remember what you looked like, but I also have all your photos at my place."

Shrugging, he decided the food was still too hot and moved back to the sink. "I liked your sharp edges, though. They matched that sharp tongue of yours." The rest of what she said was on the more serious side of things, so he turned the water back off and turned to her, frowning.

"Hey," he started, looking at her seriously as he reached up to place a hand on the side of her head. "I know it doesn't fix anything for you, but I still knew exactly who you were as soon as you said, 'Hey, Buck' on that ferris wheel, didn't I? All the important parts of you are still there. Doesn't matter what the outside looks like, you're still you."

But he was Bucky, and she was Steph, so he had to tease her a little. "I do wish I got to see you as a USO girl though. You woulda definitely been my favorite of the bunch."

Bucky's openness continued to surprise Steph. Sure, they told each other things all the time — what sort of friends were they otherwise? — but this open affection was new. Or had it always been there and she just hadn't noticed?

She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes. Dammit, if he kept doing this, their situation might... escalate. She'd already asked if he would stay, after all.

"You're the only one who's really seen me since." For all she pouted about his teasing, he had been right; for all that HYDRA fucked up his head in Steph's world, he still couldn't forget her. Most else knew of her and already had some opinion or perceived image of her when they met, one that would never really go away even as they later got to know each other better.

Do you see me now? she ached to ask, but was also afraid to. Did she really want him to see how badly she wanted him, how she wished to fill the void inside of her with him — even if it was wrong, even if she did not deserve it? So she was glad for the teasing, which allowed her to deflect her own dangerously building desires.

"Stick around and I might just show you," she teased back, entirely aware there were two ways they could go about that and how she could give him either of it.

God, Bucky had missed Steph. Not only since getting home to New York, but also for the two years he spent in Europe before that. Up until Bucky's weeks in boot camp, and then when he later shipped out to Europe, the man had rarely gone more than a day or two without seeing his best friend, and then suddenly it had been years since he'd last been near her.

It was really no surprise that Bucky was borderline touch-starved when it came to her. Not that a man from the 40s would know terms like "touch-starved," but still.

"I wish you didn't wait so long before letting me see you," he said, voice soft as he let his thumb drift across her cheekbone. Sure, he'd seen flashes of her here and there as he searched for the Winter Soldier, some glimpses of a woman saving his ass in the war more than once. But it wasn't the same.

But that last comment made him laugh a little. "What, you bring the outfit with you?"

[ ooc: i suspect bucky was always a LITTLE open with his affection with her before the war, but he tried to keep it to things that could be passed off as friend touches ]

"I thought you'd be happier without me," Steph said regretfully, her eyes sliding closed as she echoed one of the very first things she told him when they finally came face to face. "And I'm not the one you want. I'm not her."

She didn't want to move, afraid to break whatever this was that was unfolding between them. Maybe it was nothing. She did fuck up his life and ruin his chances of having a future with his Steph. But even if this was entirely platonic, she still wanted it. She just wanted to feel something again.

"No," she answered with a soft laugh, "but I can get us tickets." To a show in 1943. If they were going to travel through time anyway they might as well do a little sightseeing. Maybe it'll cheer him up some.

"You thought I'd-- Steph that's gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Bucky's brow furrowed yet again as he looked up at her. Having to look up at Steph was something he was willing to adjust to. Being without her wasn't. And if she'd been following him or anything like she sort of implied, she had to have seen how wrong she was. He'd been miserable every day since he got back.

And he wasn't even going to acknowledge the not the one you want piece of trash.

"You've seen for yourself how dumb that line of thinking was now, haven't you?"

The suggestion of tickets caught him a little off guard, though. "I don't know about that. Might piss me off seein' other fellas makin' eyes at you."

"Y-Yeah. Didn't think you were that dumb, but alas." It was all in jest as usual though, and so that Bucky knew that was what it was, Steph brought her hand up and over his own, lacing their fingers together. Then she opened her eyes again and quietly promised, "I'm here now though."

It was still crazy to think that he would rather have the life her Bucky had than be without her, that he still wanted her around even after she had wronged him. She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve him. But he needed her like she needed him, and she couldn't begrudge him that now that she understood.

She leaned in to rest her forehead against his. He was shorter than she remembered; not that she cared, only taking note so that she could someday give him shit about it. But that was for later. "Guess you gotta make do with the next best thing then," she said, a smile in her voice. (Good Lord, was this flirting? Were they flirting?)

"I don't know how you didn't already know that," he started, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. "You were the one that was always telling me how much of a dumbass I was. Am." Bucky was pretty sure that Steph told him that even more than Becca did, and that was saying something.

But like she said, she was there. And, god, Bucky hoped she would stay. She'd hinted at leaving, but he didn't know what he'd do if she disappeared on him again. Hell, he'd barely survived the first time.

"Just the next best thing, huh?" Bucky asked with a slight grin tugging at his own lips. It... honestly wasn't the first time he'd done any sort of flirting with Steph, but she just never seemed to pick up on it in the past. It wasn't that big of a deal, though, considering he hadn't had any practice with flirting in any way in the last few years. And he'd never actually been overt about it with her in the past.

"I don't exactly wear the flag under my clothes, you know," Steph somehow managed to quip, though she figured she was probably blushing with how hot her cheeks felt.

She had no idea how to navigate these waters. He said he loved her, and she admitted feeling the same, so now what? It didn't make it easier that they weren't who they grew up with, not really, and on top of that there was the whole... time travel situation. Fuck, why did things have to be so complicated? It was difficult enough being in love with your best friend and not wanting to screw up any more than you already had. Maybe this was why most people dated strangers. There was far less to lose that way.

Oh. Bucky felt his own face flush a bit at that thought. "Under your clothes, huh?" It was entirely possible that Steph didn't mean to distract Bucky with thoughts of what she had under that... exceptionally tight outfit she had on. He'd already been struggling not to focus on it, dammit.

But dammit, now he was thinking about how tight those so-called pants she had on were. "Are you trying to tell me that compared to your little USO skirt, I'm gonna be disappointed by what's under there? Cause I don't think that can happen."

Well. Apparently flirting was a lot like fighting, just more... dangerous. It wasn't helping that Bucky seemed to be playing along. Steph felt like she was sparring with him with a blindfold on. What now?

"Only one way to find out, yeah?" Dammit, here she was again, running her mouth and making herself deal with the consequences later. But hey, look at where thinking and plotting had gotten her; sure, he was alive, and HYDRA was gone for the most part, but she'd never seen him so unhappy. Something had to change.

She gave his fingers a soft, hopefully reassuring squeeze, her way of granting him permission to act on it if he wanted. But they could just snuggle on the couch and hold each other if that was all he yearned for. Anything for him.

Bucky watched her for a few seconds, his mind feeling like it was running through about fifty different thoughts at once while being pulled in just as many different directions. But there was one thought and one direction that was louder than any of the others.

"I want to kiss you," he admitted, face going more red as he brought his left hand up to rest gently on Steph's waist. As much as he had always wanted to kiss her, it wasn't exactly something he'd admitted out loud before. Maybe in passing, when he was telling the Howlies how much he needed to get home to propose to his best friend, but even then the kissing was more implied than stated. "But, Steph, I need you to promise not to up and disappear on me again. Not if you can help it."

Bucky genuinely didn't think he'd be able to handle losing her again. He'd barely survived the first time.

Steph suddenly felt light-headed and weak in the knees, as if Bucky's hand on her waist was the only thing holding her up. She hadn't realized just how much she needed this. Maybe it was the loneliness. Maybe it was suppressing all those big feelings. Or maybe because she'd been at the verge of once again giving up on everything, and he came just in time to save her.

"I was gonna end it all," she admitted with a sob, practically collapsing in his arms. It wasn't an appropriate response by any means, but he had to know. She owed him the truth, no matter how ugly it was. He had to know what he was getting into with her. "After tonight. After I took you to see her." She didn't know how, but that had been the plan. There was no point living in a world without him — or in one where she had failed him.

"But you... you stayed." Even after she fucked things up. He stayed, and he held her, and he didn't hate her, and that meant more than he could ever know.

Steph's admission made Bucky's eyes widen in a mix of shock and fear. Shock that she would go that far for any reason, and fear of losing her for good. But that only lasted for a second before he moved, one arm wrapping tightly around her waist and the other wrapping around her shoulders in a tight hug, holding her close.

"You can't- You can't do that, Steph. To you or to me," he said as he clung to her, his chin on her shoulder. Even then, he knew it was stupid to make it about him even slightly, but he'd say absolutely anything to convince her not to do anything that stupid.

Plus, if he knew for sure she was gone for good--not just some stupid rumors that people were trying to link to his missing best friend--Bucky couldn't be sure he wouldn't be right on her heels.

Men weren't supposed to cry. That had been drilled into Bucky's head since he could remember. But that didn't stop him from feeling his eyes well up as he squeezed them closed.

"Of course I stayed, punk. Since you pulled that stupid scarf off your face, I've taken every chance to stay with you. I spent too much time trying to find you to just... leave."

Steph was quiet for a moment, but she held on to Bucky as tightly as she could without hurting him. He was alive and whole, and now with the chance to live out the life he never had, yet he was saddling himself with the broken, damaged version of his best friend. He deserved better than her, anyone but her, yet he wanted her anyway.

"I don't deserve you," she said eventually, no longer sobbing but voice still thick with emotion. "But I'll stay for as long as you want me to." That had been one of his assertions earlier, that her mission should have been his call, not hers. He didn't want to be saved if it meant being parted from her. If she had known — if she had asked — then it wouldn't have come to this.

She hoped Bucky was fine in their timeline. Mad at her, probably, but she could live with that. Hopefully having the younger, sweeter, less jaded version of herself around would be good for him. He deserved to be happy, after everything.

"You don't deserve me?" Bucky asked with an incredulous laugh as he pulled back just far enough to look up at her again. His smile was definitely weak, as he hadn't felt like he was worth much of anything in quite a long time, but at least it was there. A little. "Steph, you could go live at any point in time, but I'm the selfish bastard that's askin' you to stay here in the 40s with me instead of going to some better time. Or even just... going to be with that other version of me."

Was he ignoring the whole thing about how she planned to go off herself after he left? Absolutely, he was. Bucky didn't think he had it in himself to really address that just yet, but he'd get there at some point.

"Hell, Steph, I'm greedy enough that I'm already trying to think of how to keep this from Becca since you said I can't tell anyone about you."

it's you and me up against the world, it's you and me

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guess who has spotty plane wifi but can't open discord

hey, feel free to just pm me or whatever if you want/need to lol. THERE ARE WAYS.

♡

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Hey lets just pretend that's not clearly Chris Evans in this icon

what chris evans 🤪

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