dysmorphics | it's you and me up against the world, it's you and me

"We can trust Pegs, and Howard, but I ain't sure how things work now that the war's over." Steph worried for Bucky, too; they never did find out just how the serum affected him. She had hoped to talk to the Wakandans about it at some point, but she'd ended up spending nearly all of her time with him whenever she visited. She would let Howard run some tests on them both for their peace of mind, but not until they were sure that wouldn't reach anyone else. Even if they'd destroyed all that they knew of HYDRA by now, she didn't want to take any chances. There could still be other moles and sleeper agents.

She touched her fingertips to her picture in his pocket watch. "I don't remember ever being this happy since you told me you enlisted." She'd been so mad at him that she wouldn't speak to him for a whole day, then she was morose and moody in all those weeks after that. She understood doing one's duty, but why did he have to leave? Why did he have to leave her? It wasn't fair.

If she'd known then that he loved her too, she would've begged him to run away with her. She instead tried for the next best thing: that if he must die, then at least they could die together.

She glanced back at him in surprise, expecting him to take back the endearment. When he didn't, she felt her stomach twist — in a good way — and she had to grin. "Too bad we were so dumb. I could've given you a proper dressing down while we made our way through Europe. What a wasted opportunity." Did he catch the innuendo? She'd never really flirted before.

"Yeah, guess I wasn't exactly someone that could call some shots with them after your war, was I?" Not if he was off being a POW with a missing arm. "But we'll be careful about what we tell people, and who we tell it to, alright?"

Oh. That was right. Oops. "Yeah, I sorta lied about that," Bucky started with a frown. "I didn't enlist. I was trying to stay here in the city with you, and had even uh... convinced myself I needed to actually tell you how I felt, but then I got my draft letter and decided to wait and tell you when I got home." It would give him a reason to make it home, after all.

Bucky looked down at the picture in his watch. He didn't have to see it, he had every single part of it burned into his mind, and he had for a long time. "I don't remember what she said, but Becca said something you thought was funny. Then I took your photo." And while he had many photos of Steph, that one was one of his favorites. It's why he took it with him.

"I don't know if it woulda been better or worse if you had been over there with me," Bucky said, grinning as he looked back up at Steph. "I mighta gotten distracted with the dressing downs, or with just wanting to protect you. But I would have at least been with you instead of half a world away."

"You were drafted?" That was news to Steph. All this time, she'd believed Bucky had chosen to go off to war on his own accord.

But that also had a new implication: "You could've gone home. After Azzano, they offered you and the others an honorable discharge." At Steph's insistence, actually. She'd strong-armed Colonel Phillips into convincing top brass to send their captured boys home in exchange for her going into service, since she was worth a hundred men in battle anyway. "You didn't take it. You said I needed a second-in-command and you didn't trust anyone else to watch my back." The gesture had moved her, and she'd selfishly accepted, because she had been so afraid. But to now realize that he'd stuck around because of her, which then led to the train and all the tragedy that followed...

She suddenly grabbed him in a fierce hug, mumbling into his hair, "You absolute moron," with a sob. He wasn't the Bucky who made that choice, that was true, but she knew now that he would've done the same. That, and to keep his being drafted from her was such a dumb move. "We could've gotten married and run far away. Lived in a farm on the mountains and tended to goats or something." People made such a big deal about how honorable and heroic it was to be a soldier, but having been there, they knew of war's true horrors and now had to live with what's left of themselves after it had destroyed them both.

Bucky wrapped his arms around her in return, hugging her back tightly as he sighed. "Can't blame him for sticking around for you," he said, his voice soft. "But I wasn't given the discharge option. I'd been captured, but clearly I wasn't injured enough to get sent home." What they didn't realize was that it was because most of his injuries had healed already, because of what they did to him.

"I thought about grabbing you and running, you know," he said with a sad laugh. "Woulda been a shit life for you, though. And if I got caught and sent to jail, where would that have left you? Alone in a place you didn't know that well?" Steph didn't have any remaining family (even though everyone always insisted she was an unofficial Barnes), and with her health? He couldn't risk leaving her abandoned and alone somewhere.

"Better a shit life with you than one without you." Which wasn't all that different from Bucky's declaration that he would rather live through everything HYDRA put the other version of him through than lose her. They clearly were peas in a pod.

Steph pulled back to look at Bucky again. Yeah, this wasn't the best time period. The food was bland, healthcare sucked, and there were still more wars to come. But she meant it, that she would rather be with him through all that shit than be alone once more. "Need me to put my promise in writing, or can we kiss now?"

They could spend all night being hung up on their pasts and all the what-could-have-beens. Or they could try to move forward. In any case, they were together now at least. That was the most important part.

Bucky looked back up at her then, focused on those beautiful--if red-rimmed from the off-and-on tears they'd both dealt with that evening--blue eyes. His left hand came up to rest on her cheek, thumb brushing over her cheekbone. That didn't last long, though, before he slid his hand to the back of her neck and tugged her in so he could kiss her for the first time.

It wasn't exactly how Bucky imagined it over and over for years, of course, but that was simply because he didn't ever picture himself being the shorter one of the pair, or Steph not being a skinny little thing. That didn't make it any less perfect as his eyes slid closed. She might have been built differently, but she was still his dreamgirl.

This wasn't how Steph imagined kissing Bucky would be like either. She certainly never imagined it to be so hungry, so desperate, as if he was about to go off to war again. Or maybe this was what their homecoming would have been like in a world where she never got the serum and he never fell off the train.

Steph had never kissed anyone before. What she knew about kissing she learned from Natasha, who'd kissed her when they'd been evading some HYDRA goons. "Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable, especially between the same sex," had been the redhead's brilliant idea. It had worked, but in those few seconds all Steph could think about was Bucky, even through the scent of Natasha's perfume.

This time it really was him, and Steph buried her hands into his hair as she kissed him like he was the very air she needed to breathe. She was sloppy and inexperienced, she didn't really know what to do with her mouth and tongue only that she had to taste him — but if he wanted her then it didn't matter, right?

Bucky had kissed before, but not as much as many people seemed to assume he had. And, honestly, those kisses (that he generally didn't even want) never felt right, because he had always wanted to be kissing Steph instead of whatever girl cornered him.

But none of those past kisses could have prepared Bucky for how right it did feel to finally kiss her. It had started gently, but it took almost no time for them to be all but clinging to each other as it got deeper and more desperate.

Eventually, Bucky broke the kiss so he could do that pesky breathing thing, but he didn't go far. He only pulled back enough so he could take a couple of deep breaths as he looked at her, grinning. "I love you, Steph."

This hadn't been part of the plan. Steph was supposed to disappear after the war was over and she'd finished tying up those loose threads involving HYDRA. It certainly hadn't been her intention to take the place of this Bucky's Steph, in his life or otherwise. But it seemed like the universe had other plans. If this was destiny or fate or whatever it was called, it was shitty as fuck, but she was going to take it.

That grin? It made everything worth it. Maybe she did succeed, after all. Just in a way she didn't expect.

"I love you too, Buck." She would always love him, that she was sure of. Any version of him, at any point in time. It didn't make sense, but also it did, somehow. She leaned in to rest her forehead against his, smiling contentedly. "I'm gonna need a new picture for my locket."

Bucky couldn't help his soft laugh as he closed his eyes. He still had plenty of tension and stress coiled inside of him, but it was the most relaxed he'd felt since 1943.

"Something wrong with the one you've got in there?" he asked, moving so he had both his arms wrapped around her waist to hold her close. "I didn't actually look at it before. Just sorta focused on your tags."

Steph had to take a moment to find the most comfortable way of having her arms around him, since even after all these years she was still used to being the smaller one. "I just want one with both of us, that's all," she told Bucky as she likewise relaxed in his hold.

Her tiny kitchen was hardly the most romantic place for declarations of love and making out, but it was more like what she'd imagined when she was younger than, say, a battlefield. They should probably at least move back to the living/dining area where it was more comfortable though.

"If that's what you want, I'll make sure you get it," Bucky said simply. Because, for him, it was that simple. If Steph wanted something--and it wasn't something stupid like, "I really want to punch that guy for talkin' through the newsreels at the start of the film"--Bucky would do his best to get it for her.

After stretching up just enough to press another soft kiss to her lips, he pulled back enough to look at her, still smiling softly. "Now, just to make sure. You're at least my steady girl now, right? Only one, really. But I know you heard when I told you I love you. And that I planned on coming home to marry you."

"Yeah, of course, darling." Steph had waited for so long for all of that — for Bucky to tell her that he loved her, to be his. Hell, she would marry him right then and there if he'd ask.

Had she forgotten that his Steph was out there in 2023, and that he still wanted to talk to her at some point? Of course not. If that Steph wanted to come back and be with him then she would let him go, but until then she would stay with him and do her best to make him happy.

"I still don't know what we'll tell your family though." They would either recognize her, or think she was a dead ringer of his missing childhood love who would have some very big shoes to fill, with how much he loved her. "Maybe we oughta just say HYDRA got me, and they messed with my head so I don't remember a lot of things. Just you, mostly." She was already using the Winter Soldier name anyway, might as well go all the way.

God, Bucky had always wanted to hear Steph call him that. Or at least some sort of pet name that belonged to couples. "Good. Next I'll just have to convince you to marry me one of these days."

Bucky wouldn't be surprised if he woke up tomorrow to discover that the entire night had been a dream, and while that would be awful at least it would be a good one instead of a nightmare. But that didn't mean he wanted it to be a dream.

"I say that, at least with my family, we go simpler than that," Bucky said, shaking his head slightly. The people at work? He could lie to them. But he didn't want to outright lie so much to his family. Still, there were ways around that. "You could still be you with them, but the last few years you were doing confidential work, but my branch wasn't a part of that so we weren't in on it. And you still can't talk details with them. Maybe we even let them know you're calling yourself Gracie in public now, like I heard the girls downstairs calling you."

"What makes you think I still need convincing?" Steph teased with a soft laugh, the quip out of her mouth before she could even really think about it. It was true, though. She'd only ever entertained thoughts of marriage with Bucky, and when there didn't seem to be a chance of that, she just didn't bother anymore. But she didn't think he would be serious about it, or at least not so soon.

(Then again, if he wanted to get back with his Steph, it wouldn't matter whether or not they were married. Technically they were the same person. She and Bucky wouldn't even have to get divorced, but they would have some explaining to do.)

"Yeah, I... I guess we could work with that." It would save them a lot of trouble, frankly. And it would be nice to just be herself around them. She bit her lower lip self-consciously. "Did they know? Or did they want someone else for you?" She'd always felt welcome with his family, but that didn't mean they wanted them together.

"What, you wanna go visit a courthouse tomorrow?" Bucky teased. He genuinely didn't think that was something she even might say yes to, but it was something he'd do if she wanted to.

"That way, if they try to ask anything you can't get into, or explain easily, we can just say it's something you can't talk about. They're used to me having things I can't tell them about at work." Honestly, there was very little he could tell them about his job, and while it took them a little while to adapt to it, they managed. Now they didn't ask him for details about his work, and the only reason Becca was allowed in the building at all was because of the fits she'd throw in the lobby when he first came back and was avoiding his family. But even she knew that when she stopped by she wasn't supposed to look around. He just... put away his papers and ushered her into his office.

Her questions made him sigh, though. "They knew. I always knew Becca knew I had feelings for you, she'd tease me about it all the time. But I didn't realize my folks knew until I got back. They told me the dates they set me up on every once in a while were either favors for people they knew, or they thought it'd give one of us enough of a push to finally fess up to each other." Bucky pressed a quick, gentle kiss to her lips again. "Apparently, even they wanted us to hurry it up."

"I thought they didn't want me for you," Steph admitted. "I knew I was gonna be a burden with my poor health, financially and physically and emotionally, and no parent would want their child to have a shitty life." And she loved him too much to want him to suffer on her account.

Thankfully, that wasn't the case anymore, or at least being sick was no longer going to be a problem. So was money. There would be other issues, mostly byproducts of the war, but they should be able to get through them together.

"Do you wanna go to the courthouse? I told you, I ain't gonna need convincing. Wanted to marry you since we were teens." She'd have married him straight out of high school if he'd asked, or even during high school, with her Ma's blessing. Sarah Rogers had known, too.

"They probably realized they needed to accept it when I kept following you around like a protective, lovesick puppy for years," he said. Yeah, his mom probably did worry about that, but Bucky didn't care. Even if Steph was still small and sickly, he'd still make the same offer. "Every once in a while one of them'll make a comment about how I need to try to let go since someone went and made them think my dreamgirl died four years ago, especially with me turnin' 30 in a couple months, but they haven't even attempted to set me up with anyone since I got home."

Joke was on them, though, because even if Steph hadn't dropped back into his life? He wouldn't have let go. He probably just woulda worked himself to the bone and ended up dying some sort of lonely, angry, old virgin.

"Sweetheart, I'd take you right now if it wasn't so late," Bucky answered with a chuckle, turning his lips brush lightly over hers. "Still might need to use my name to get a judge to show up on a Saturday--" that was something Bucky never did, letting his "celebrity" get him favors, but there were things he'd make an exception for, "--but there's already a ring waiting for you at my place."

"Hey, I already said I was sorry." Steph still felt guilty and ashamed for making the last couple of years miserable for Bucky, and so so grateful he still wanted her despite it.

She buried her face into the crook of his neck. "Are you really sure you wanna do this?" Kissing was one thing. Hell, so was going steady and sleeping together, even if she took that sort of relationship very seriously. But marriage? "I mean, with me? I hurt you, and I've done so many awful things..."

And then there was the Steph of this timeline, haunting her thoughts like a ghost. She would let him go if he decided he would much rather be with the Steph he grew up with, but that didn't mean it wouldn't break her heart. Worse, she didn't want to one day find out that he wasn't truly happy with her, but he was staying for her anyway. She couldn't fail him again.

"I know you did. And I know you are." Bucky tightened the arms he had wrapped around her waist, holding her close. Not that there was much space between them. "And it sounds like she's somewhere better for her in the long run."

Plus, it wasn't like she was alone there. Bucky couldn't imagine anything in his life being bad enough that he stopped loving Stephanie Rogers, so he felt confident that the other version of himself still had feelings for her. Why wouldn't he?

"Of course I'm sure, Steph. I've known you were it for me since we were teenagers."

"When you see her again and you two wanna be together, just tell me, okay? I promise I won't get mad." It would hurt, but Steph would be grateful, that even just for a while Bucky chose to be with her.

Though if she and this Bucky ended up talking about marriage, of all things, then it was just as likely that their counterparts were already having this conversation too. Some things seemed to be constant in both their lives: the stupid, shitty luck, and each other.

"But I'll be with you, as long as you still want me." She hugged him a little tighter, almost as if silently begging, please, please don't let me go. "I've wanted to be with you since we were teenagers too."

Then, with a soft laugh, she gently pulled away to reach around him and tug at something she'd stuck on the fridge with a magnet. She handed him the paper, which was a bill in her alias, Gracie Barnes. "Kinda even borrowed your name already," she said sheepishly.

Bucky took the paper and looked it over, a warm smile spreading across his face before turning his eyes to her face again. "I still like Steph Barnes better, but I'll get used to calling you Gracie in public. Or I'll default to some sort of pet names." Pet names would keep him from slipping up, after all.

He looked away only long enough to make sure the counter wasn't wet where he set down the paper, then turned to face his girl again, snagging one of her hands in the process. "So what do you say, Rogers?" Bucky began, twisting their fingers together as he tilted his head just slightly. "You wanna become Stephanie Grace Barnes tomorrow? Will you marry me?"

Tears immediately sprung in Steph's eyes. She'd long given up on the idea of one day settling down, let alone with Bucky, and she had even been on the verge of giving up and ending it all. Yet here he was, extending more than just a lifeline. She would finally be home.

"Yes." She flung her arms around him. "Yes, yes." Then she was sobbing again, though this time it was from joy. "Thank you."

Bucky couldn't hold back the laugh when Steph hugged him that tightly, and wrapped his arms tightly around her, too.

"Hey, you don't need to thank me," he said, pressing his face into her hair as he held her close. "It's not like you're doing me some kinda favor, sweetheart. I've always known I'd only ever get married if it was you." And she couldn't even pull the but that's the other me card, because he came to that decision years before Bucky went to Europe, therefor it was years before their timelines split.

Reaching up, Bucky tucked Steph's hair behind her ear before pressing some soft kisses to her jaw. "Guess this means it's my last night as an unmarried man, huh?"

Maybe it was selfish, but Steph, for once, didn't argue. Bucky was doing her a favor, and he could've chosen to wait to talk to his timeline's Steph and then propose for her — the Steph whose only flaws were her poor health and insecurities. Unlike her, who had been broken and put together several times over. He wouldn't agree, yet that was the truth. Instead of fighting him about it, she just held him close and let him do the same.

She laughed softly when he kissed her jaw, both because it kind of tickled, and because of his comment. "You can go round up your pals and celebrate, if you wanna."

She didn't want him to leave, but they were getting married tomorrow, and if he wanted to have one last outing or whatever then she wasn't going to stop him. She wasn't sure what men did now (it was still weird to think of 1947 as now) but she remembered Tony and the others talking about stag parties and some of the crazy shit that were involved in them. Mostly alcohol and women, neither of which Bucky seemed to particularly care about, but maybe he'd like the camaraderie or the opportunity for some normalcy. Most of the Howlies worked for the SSR now too, and there was Howard, who Tony had clearly taken after in the having fun front.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject