dysmorphics | open post

Steph wasn't sure she understood what the 'plan' was. Bucky had once told her about H.G. Wells' book about time travel, but she was really more into romance than science fiction. So she couldn't say whether or not she'd think of something like that, but she did know two things.

"Was it her fault? That you got captured?" While she couldn't see how that would be her fault when she wasn't even eligible for the Army Nurse Corps, she was certain she would beat herself up over it if it was something she had a hand in. Maybe she got kidnapped? Maybe he was on leave and enemy spies grabbed him while he was visiting her?

Secondly: "I would do anything for you. I was... I was gonna lie and bribe my way into the ANC. I was heading there when she found me," she confessed. She wrung her hands then, refusing to look at him. "I couldn't just sit back home and garden and wait for Becca to tell me you'd died. I would trade places with you if I could. I would die for you, if it would save you."

She sniffed, turning her head away as she swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. It was easier, somehow, to be honest with this Bucky. Maybe because he already knew. He had to know, right? That she loved him? Even before that little slip up earlier.

"Of course it wasn't her fault," Bucky said simply and without hesitation. "The first time I got captured was before you- she-" that was going to take some getting used to, dammit. "-even got to where I was in Italy. I heard the Colonel was in the middle of writing letters to all the 107th families when she got the news and confronted him. Then she took off on her own and saved us all. Second time, I fell off a train during a fight. Landed in a crevasse and was presumed dead when they couldn't find my body. I wasn't, but they had no way of knowing that."

Bucky paused for a moment then, watching her carefully. He'd always hated seeing her upset. "They were gonna let you into the ANC. Sort of. Between that big heart of yours and that even bigger stubborn streak, you... she... They offered a special program. She, uh... The idiot agreed to test out this serum that was supposed to make her stronger. And it did. Got rid of all her ailments and everything. Next time I saw her she was dragging me off my own experiment table. But I didn't get a choice in mine."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Not the part about agreeing to an experimental program; she knew right then and there that she would say yes if she was given the opportunity. She was going to die sooner rather than later anyway, might as well make it count. No, it was about actually making it to the front lines, not as a nurse, but apparently as a soldier. That was something she'd never even considered for herself. Women weren't allowed in the military in the first place.

But it was something else that made her look back up at him. "She thought you were dead," she repeated quietly. That would've broken her. Him leaving for the war very nearly did. She nodded then. "I... I think I get her now."

She stared down at her hands, her anger dissipating and being replaced by some other mix of emotions. If that Steph switched places with her, then the Bucky she knew would be safe. He wouldn't be captured, he wouldn't fall off the train. She would see to that. But that was... in the past. Here and now was another story. And all this time travel shit was making her feel light-headed.

"But I... I don't have the serum thing. I'm... I'm just me. There's nothing I can do for you. I'm just gonna be a burden."

"Yeah," Bucky frowned. "She did. It's only been... ten years? Yeah, ten since I got out of there for good. But to be fair, the world thought she was dead from '45 until 2012. These serums changed us, and we both got frozen for a long time. Really different ways and circumstances though." Bucky didn't plan on hiding anything about his past from her, even if he didn't know how she would react to it. But if she was here now he didn't want to keep it a secret. Steph deserved to know.

But then she was calling herself a burden, and saying she was just her like it was a bad thing. "Hey," he started, brow furrowing yet again as he looked at her. "Don't be stupid. When the hell have I ever thought you were some kinda burden? Or even acted like you were one?" Shaking his head, he sighed. "If anything I'm a burden these days. Have been for years, in one way or another. The people that had me, they really mucked up my head."

She ducked her head. "But I'm always sick. And I don't have anyone else here." A thought struck her suddenly, and while she dreaded the answer, she had to know. "You got a family, right?" As in a wife, maybe even kids. He wouldn't have been married to her if she managed to bring herself to leave him, after all.

Honestly there was just so much information that she was having trouble keeping up. He was believed dead? And her too? Then the serum thing allowed them to live this long?

She glanced around them again. There wasn't anything particularly futuristic other than the contraption they were sitting on. "Is it really 2023?" she asked him. "Do you have a flying car?"

"Honestly, I think her being able to jump out of planes without parachutes made her stress me out more than when you would get sick." Steph had always been a bit on the reckless side, but at least she used to know she had limitations. Sure, she always came out more or less fine, but seeing her do things like fist fighting some kind of giant grape tended to stress him out.

At the mention of family though, Bucky let out a single sad laugh. "Nah, no family." Just Steph. She was the closest thing to family he had. "Becca died the year before I got free. It's just me." Hell, he hardly even had anyone he'd consider a friend. Steph, of course. Shuri, maybe, but that felt odd because she was so young. He was on okay terms with T'challa by that point, and some of the other people in Wakanda, but he wouldn't exactly call them friends.

"No flying cars, either. Howard didn't come through on that." Thinking of Howard made him frown again, remembering how he'd torn the Stark family apart, even if it wasn't his fault. Bucky still had to remind himself that it wasn't his fault. "There's been other tech advancements though. Some big ones, some small ones."

Bucky paused then, hesitating for a moment. He still had his arms around Steph, but the way they were positioned made it easy for him to hold his left hand out beside hers, palm up. His voice sounded unsure when he spoke again. "Can you, uh, take this glove off for me?"

"She what?" Future Steph had some magic medicine and then she wasn't afraid of heights anymore? That was cool. But also insane. Steph couldn't imagine jumping off a plane, parachute or no parachute. She still had nightmares from that one time she went on the Cyclone with Bucky, and felt like throwing up whenever she thought too hard about it. And she'd had her eyes closed the whole time and his hand in a death grip, too.

The absence of flying cars was disappointing (probably more for Bucky than her, honestly) but the fact that he was alone was even more so. She had always imagined him with a family, that he would be happy long after she was gone. And when he'd said he and her future self had managed to survive all the way to 2023, she'd assumed they were together. After all, she only hadn't wanted her feelings known because she didn't want him to be with her out of pity. But were she healthy, she'd have taken her chances.

"You and her, you're not...?" The answer was obvious, but she found herself asking anyway. Then she glanced at his gloved hand, said, "Sure," and started pulling it off. She was focused on his face though, waiting for him to deal with her question, that she didn't immediately notice the metal hand that hid beneath the glove.

"She did a lot of stupid shit. Mostly when I wasn't around," Bucky frowned slightly. This version of Steph would surely know that he would get onto the older one for being an idiot. He'd always done that, it was part of him being protective of her.

Steph's half question threw him off though, and a look of confusion and surprise crossed his face. "What? No. Steph doesn't-" love me. want me. even want to stay in this time with me, apparently. He cut himself off before he could say any of those things though, frowning sadly a bit more as he looked down at his own hand, the biggest piece of physical evidence that he had been so utterly destroyed over the years. Sometimes he didn't even see himself as a whole person any more. "No, we were never like that."

But never let it be said that Bucky Barnes isn't an idiot himself at times, especially when not really considering why the younger version of the woman he'd always been in love with just asked if they ended up together.

Edited 2025-11-27 11:27 (UTC)

"Oh."

Steph already knew the answer, yet she was still utterly disappointed to hear it. Devastated was more like it, in fact, especially at how he didn't even hesitate. She stared forlornly at his glove that was now in her hand, furiously blinking back tears. It wasn't her, she tried to tell herself, and this whole situation was weird and probably not the best measure of her own chances in life, but... what did it mean that she could be healthy and beautiful and still not end up with him?

"Can I..." She could barely speak, her voice thick with emotion. She wouldn't look at him, instead she just fidgeted with the glove's leather fingers until she managed to distill her hurt into anger. It wasn't directed at anyone in particular; it was just more familiar, and she was desperate to hold on to something she knew now that her own world had been upended. "Can I go back now?"

The answer was probably no, too.

There was absolutely no way he could make her happy, Bucky knew that. And it made perfect sense for this version of Steph--the one who had never been through the craziness and the fighting but had been suddenly ripped out of her own time--to want to go back to where she belonged. But it still felt like a knife in his chest to have Steph want to abandon him twice in one day.

"If there's a way, they'll figure it out," he said, his voice filled with sadness as he gestured idly in the direction he was pretty sure the guys went. "Well, Banner will. Bruce. The green one. He's one of the smartest people alive. Sam... not so much." What could he say? Even when he was trying to hold himself together, taking digs at Sam were easy as breathing for Bucky.

"At least she had me hang on to her apartment keys, so there's somewhere comfortable for me to take you. Pretty sure all I've got is a hut on the other side of the world, if it's even still there." Not that he'd been back to check since his return.

Steph nodded, but she wasn't really listening. Right now she didn't care about those other people. Or anyone else at all.

"I'll never be good enough for you, will I?" she asked suddenly, though in spite of her anger she just sounded... defeated. She wasn't sure why she was fixating on this when she had far bigger problems, like, you know, getting back to her own time. But when had she ever been rational? When had she ever not let her heart influence, even dictate, her decisions?

Despite saying and trying to convince herself that he would be better off without her, she did, in fact, want him. But there was no point now in hoping the Bucky of her time would ever feel the same, was there? He probably already met his great love overseas, one of the field nurses or a foreign girl, and Steph would always just be a friend, maybe even a sister.

She held his glove back out to him, already forgetting that he'd had something to show her. Her hand was shaking.

Well that question certainly jolted Bucky back. Did he piece the meaning together properly? Of course not. But that was beside the point.

"Are you crazy?" he asked, looking confused and taken aback by the absolute stupidity in her question. "You've said a lot of stupid shit in your time, but that takes the cake, Steph. There's nobody better than you." No one better for him, no one better in general, not then and not in any of the decades he'd been around. "With or without that serum."

Shaking his head, Bucky wished he at least something he could lean back against. But he didn't, and he wasn't about to move away from Steph just for that. Maybe if he'd had something to smack his head against, he would have thought before saying the next thing. "You should know better than anyone that she just didn't want me like that."

Now it was Steph's turn to be taken aback by the absolute stupidity of Bucky's declaration. "Dumbass," she shot back, with the same fire as Captain America-sized Steph that Sam and Bruce would have been shocked if they were still watching. Clearly Steph did not let her size or poor health get in the way of her righteous fury, even going as far as pounding her tiny fists into Bucky's chest. But it hurt, so she only did it once. Then she just sagged and rested her forehead against his chest while she cried.

"I was gonna join the ANC to find a way to bring you home. I was gonna do whatever it took, even if it killed me. I was gonna do it even if we came back home and you decided to marry, I dunno, Doris. How dare you—" Words were pouring out of her now in her anger, and it didn't matter that he wasn't talking about her, exactly. "How dare you say I don't love you like that."

She didn't even say want; want was so shallow. If she only wanted him, she'd have fucked him during one of those times they'd gotten high from her meds and be done with it. But it wasn't just that. It had always been more than that.

Bucky didn't even flinch when Steph hit him in the chest. He was too busy staring at her, wide eyed and shocked as her words sank into his thick skull. "You- She never told me," Bucky's voice was quieter than it had been earlier and he watched her expression carefully.

"Steph, there was no shot I'd end up married to anyone else. Even my squad knew I was tying to get home to you." That might have been the single most honest thing Bucky had ever told her.

"She never—" What the hell? Well, okay, she could imagine scenarios where she'd keep her silence, but she thought she'd have it in her to be brave enough with the truth if he returned after she nearly lost him. Guess she was a fucking coward after all, huh.

Apparently he told everyone else but her though. "Well why didn't you say anything?" But she wasn't yelling anymore. Rather she was frowning, thinking back to the last time she'd seen him, if there was anything at all to hint at what he felt. "You could've asked her to wait." And she did wait, even if he hadn't asked. Would've been nice to have some confirmation, though.

"Hey, I had good reasons," Bucky frowned. Not happy reasons, but ones that definitely explained it. And he should at least give her the abridged version. "Got captured and brainwashed for seventy years. Spent a couple years trying to remember things after I escaped. I wasn't... Safe. To be around. For anyone."

He looked back towards the lake then. Not at anything in particular, just sort of off into the distance. "They had, uh, trigger words in my head. If they said them I'd do anything they wanted. I finally got rid of those and then not long after that there was another battle, then half the population disappeared for five years. I haven't been back from that for long. Just a couple weeks." See? He had reasons, at least.

"So you didn't like her until she was... better." Since going off to war wasn't even on his list of reasons for not saying anything. It stung, but it could have been worse. Besides, she couldn't be angry at him now after he'd told her all that. He'd been a prisoner for 70 years? Brainwashed, forced to do awful things? Her feelings were irrelevant in the face of that.

It was then that she finally noticed his hand. Eyes flying wide, she reached for it to take into her own and examine. What she'd thought was some kind of rot or illness turned out to be something else entirely. His fingers were cold. Metal.

"They did this to you?"

"What? No. Lord no. Stop assuming things like that." Bucky rolled his eyes then, taking the slight moment of distraction from talking about the shit he'd been put through for so long. "I got to be pretty good friends with some of the guy in my squad before we got captured that first time. They knew better than to even try to get me to so much as dance with a woman on leave weekends since there was a great girl back home I wanted to get back to so I could ask her to marry me. That was months before I found out she went and let herself be a damn test subject."

Chewing his lip, he looked at her again then. "I didn't want to put something like that on you right before I left. I didn't want you to feel obligated, or to pass on something better if someone else came along. And I also knew I wanted to ask you in person, not just in a letter."

But then Steph was examining his hand, and he let her. He didn't pull away at all, just let her look at it as close as she wanted to, turning it for her when it seemed like that was what she was aiming for and everything. "I, uh. I lost my arm when I fell off that train, so they gave me a replacement I didn't want. It got destroyed a few years ago-" by Stark's kid, no less, which was the least Bucky owed him, asshole or not, "-and Steph called in some favors to get this one made for me. I haven't had this one long."

There it was, the truth. It was kind of hard to take in, actually. Their lives could have been so much different, so much happier, and that hurt Steph to know.

But maybe there was still a way to fix things. "You said your friends can send me back, right? You gotta come with me then. We'll find her, and you two can... talk. Figure your shit out."

She dropped her gaze to his hand, brushing her fingertips over the back of it. "I've loved you since I was 16," she quietly confessed. She had nothing left to lose now, so she might as well unload this heavy secret from her chest. "Remember when you took me to Coney Island for my birthday, and I threw up on you after we rode the Cyclone?" She picked up the glove and started putting it back on, once more blinking back tears. "That would have been in... 1934. All this time, she—"

Slowly, she let go of his hand, but she still wouldn't look at him. "I don't know why she did what she did. But I know that she loves you."

"They're more her friends than mine, but if anyone can figure it out it's them." He paused then, a simple idea hitting him. "I'll give Shuri a call, too, if Banner hasn't done it yet. I'm sure she'd get her team on it."

Steph might have looked away then, but Bucky didn't. He continued to watch her closely as she put his glove back on. It felt like his heart was breaking and swelling at the same time, and Bucky wasn't sure what to do with that, so he decided to just... be honest. "I don't know how old I was," he started, his voice quiet when he spoke. "I was 15 or 16 when I realized I felt that way, but I realized I had already felt that way about you for a while."

A small, sad laugh came out of Bucky then. "Now I'm a hundred-and-something-year-old disabled war vet that can be called semi-stable at best and I still feel that way."

He laughed and disparaged himself, but she looked up at his face with all the love she had for him, which was so much more than her tiny body could ever hold.

Then she groaned and pressed her palms into her eyelids. "I can't believe it. I knew we were stupid, but not this stupid." They really let all that time, all those opportunities pass them by? Now she — Future Steph, the dumbass (hey, he wasn't the only one who could call her stupid) — was gone and they both thought, until just now, that they didn't matter to each other? "She really thought she was doing you a favor by fucking off and changing the past? What if we never met? What if you... fell for someone else..."

I'm sorry, but you have to disappear. She was beginning to think her future self wasn't as considerate as Bucky believed her to be. It wasn't about giving a version of her a shot at a healthy, normal life; it was about removing herself from the equation. Maybe he wouldn't be captured? Maybe he wouldn't fall off the train? Maybe he wouldn't be brainwashed? Steph had no idea how her presence could've caused any of those, not without knowing the full details, but that was what her gut was telling her.

Because, yes. She would kill herself to save him, if it came to that. She would probably even let herself die if he got killed in action overseas, and hope that they would bury her next to him.

Bucky thought about that for a minute, wondering why Steph would have gone back to the point she picked. Sure, he was a dumbass, but sometimes he could figure things out. He did have a brain buried in there somewhere.

He tightened his arms around the smaller Steph then, trying to give her even a slight bit of comfort. And then he thought of something. "Maybe if the HYDRA spy didn't see you get the serum they wouldn't have had enough information to make the knock off they shot me up with? I didn't know what they were doing then, but I know now they'd already started the process when she saved my ass the first time. It's why I didn't actually die when I fell off the train, just lost my arm on the rocks." At least Steph wouldn't have to worry about him trying to make her ride the Cyclone again. He didn't like heights anymore. He'd deal with them if he had to, but he wasn't a fan.

"She might even be trying to keep me from getting captured in the first place. Both things would change a hell of a lot." He frowned again. "But I'd still know you, and I'd end up trying to find out what happened to you." Hell, just the fact that he never thought Steph had feelings for him and still hadn't gone on a date--fake or not--since 1943 was proof that he wouldn't move on.

She was a different Steph, he was a different Bucky, but when he tightened his arms around her, she leaned into him without hesitation, like it was the most natural thing in the world. It didn't matter to her that he'd been to war and had been forced to do awful things and was missing an arm. His embrace still felt as it did, comforting and safe.

"She's bringing you home," she realized. He had gotten captured and had been believed dead, so technically she hadn't succeeded in their lifetime. But with time travel... "But what will that mean for you? Won't you, I don't know, change? Disappear? Because your past has been altered?" Her head hurt trying to understand the complexities of everything, but she was stubborn enough to try.

"I have no idea," Bucky said simply, shrugging one shoulder. There were a lot of different ways changing history could go according to science fiction, but he didn't exactly have practical experience with it. "The first time they did this time travel shit I sort of... didn't exist. Maybe I'll disappear again. Maybe she'll just make a new timeline where she gets to be with a version of me that isn't a broken mess."

He was admittedly a hell of a lot better than he used to be, but Bucky definitely still saw himself as a broken mess. He was trying though, so at least there was that.

"Either way," he reached up with his metal hand to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I'll be here to help you as much as you want me to, and as long as I can be, alright? I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

It was bad enough to hear that he disappeared. It felt worse that he thought he was broken, and that she would leave him to be with the version of him who wasn't. Shame filled her, even if the act hadn't been hers. If that was an older version of her, did that mean she was destined to make the same awful choices?

... but she told him the truth about how she felt. That was something Future Steph hadn't done. So maybe she wasn't trapped in whatever chain of events that supposedly made up her life? God, she hoped so.

"I'll stay with you," she said quietly, and this time she placed her arms around him. Or tried to. Somehow it now seemed impossible. Next time she might just hang off his neck. Hah.

"To the end of the line, Buck," she added, and she meant it as much as she did the first time. "I promised." It probably wouldn't soothe his pain, and he probably would never love her the way he loved his Steph, but a promise was a promise.

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tell me if i need to change anything? i tried to be kinda vague!

perfect <3

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bucky now is not the time to be making fun of sam

sam just like, I HEARD THAT

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oops it's short

no complaints here, esp if it helps you survive your dinner thing!

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