dysmorphics | open post

"Really? I thought you and, what's her name..." Steph found herself still feigning ignorance about the women Bucky had dated, when in fact she knew about each one, and she'd gone to bed angry and crying every single time. Force of habit; it had been easier to contain her heartache and resentment that way. And for her, it had only been a few years.

Traces of those past hurts resurfaced in her eyes then, a consequence of the reminder. Stephanie Rogers might have blazing confidence and righteous fury when it came to defending others, but she'd always been plagued by her insecurities. She thought now of Cap, who had been made perfect in every way, and doubted if she could ever compare.

(Well, almost perfect; Cap's plan was still a shitty one, and she was a dumbass for never having said a word to Bucky about her feelings.)

Bucky perked a brow at her as he shook his head. "I don't even know which girl you're talking about, but I can promise I never did anything with her. Couple of 'em kissed me, but nothing more than that. I wouldn't even fool around with any girls when I was on leave in the army, no matter how my buddies teased me for waiting for you."

Grinning, he leaned in to kiss her again for a moment. "But you, dove, I've been holding you up against a wall, your legs around my waist, a love bite on your neck, and, you're a little too high up to be able to tell yourself, but you've got me hard as a rock. I've officially done more with you than anyone else." Bucky Barnes, over a century old, had been waiting for the right woman all along.

"Kissed you," Steph couldn't help teasing, grinning as well when Bucky leaned in to kiss her. Of course women kissed him. About half of the girls in their class, through the years, had been interested in him, and even some of the boys.

(The gays, at least, didn't go out of their way to be mean to Steph, and she'd gladly chewed out those who gave them trouble for being queer. The women were particularly nasty though. Not that Steph understood why they hated her so much... until now.)

Bucky verbally recounting what they were in the middle of made Steph blush all the way to her neck, unused to such things being said out loud. She appreciated the reminder though. He'd always known how to pull her head out of her ass, including the times she was disappointed in herself.

"Sorry. I just... I was always so jealous," she admitted quietly. She would either be in a foul mood the day after his dates, or secretly delighted when he dropped by her apartment after calling it a night with what's her name. "And I felt so stupid for hoping that one day things would change, that one day you'd... see me."

"Hey, they initiated it, and I never felt anything special when they did it. Not like when you kiss me. Or I kiss you." When Bucky kissed Steph, it felt right. Important. Almost magic. When those girls kissed him, it felt awkward and wrong, and he couldn't wait to pull away.

"You had nothing to be jealous of, sweetheart," Bucky said, his voice soft as he watched her. "I only ever wanted you, but I thought you only saw me as a friend. Or worse, a brother type. I was biding my time until you, I don't know. Started looking at me different or something." But she never looked at him any differently. Turned out, that was probably because she had always been looking at him like she wanted to be with him, just like he did with her. "Some of my dates even snapped at me that I shoulda been on a date with you instead of them. I think everyone but us knew."

"God, we really were idiots," Steph remarked with a laugh. Because she had thought the same, that Bucky only saw her as a friend, or worse, a sister, when they had been pining for each other like dumbasses all along. "I hope she took all the stupid with her. If she didn't, we gotta let it go, Buck. Find it a new home."

That they were talking about their feelings was a step in the right direction, at least. "No more secrets now," she said, more solemnly. "You don't gotta tell me everything you went through during the war," she clarified, "but no more secrets like, I love you and I wanna fuck you, Stephanie. Okay?"

She had some idea of the horrors of war from the stories of those who'd lived through the first one. He was entitled to keep those ghosts to himself, but she would share in his burden if he would let her. It would be his call to make though. She was just going to be there, taking care of him, loving him.

Dropping his natural hand back to Steph's thigh so he could hold her up securely, Bucky finally moved her away from the wall and easily carried her back into the living room. "Steph, I think at this point it better be obvious that I love you and I wanna fuck you," he said with a soft chuckle as he sat down on the couch with her in his lap. "More than anything, I just want to be with you."

Bucky would never try to minimize what other people had been through, but he had been through a lot. "I'm sure I'll tell you some things here and there," he began, keeping his eyes on her. "But the war... It was easy compared to the shit that came after. It's that time the trial's gonna be about. I'll fill you in on some of that later, alright? So it won't be a shock when you hear about it while I'm on the stand, or however it's gonna work. But I don't want to think about that stuff right now. I want to think about you, and how pretty you are when you blush."

"No more secrets, though."

Steph's thoughts drifted to the red notebook that spooked Bucky so badly. Cap had called it evidence, so it had to have something to do with whatever went down after the war. "Okay," she said simply, kissing him on the cheek. "But only when you wanna talk about it, and only what you feel I should know."

Speaking of which, she frowned. "They won't make me testify, will they?" She didn't know how those things worked. More importantly, what would she even say, when she hadn't lived those years? Would they accept that she wasn't the Rogers they knew, or would that put him in a precarious position? What if Cap had knowledge of something that could clear his name? She had to have considered that, right?

But he said he didn't want to think about that, so Steph mumbled a sheepish, "Sorry," and, in apology, shifted to straddle his lap. Now she could feel that he was hard as a rock, which did wonders to her own libido. "This better?"

"Steph, there's nothing you need to be sorry about." Bucky was actually about to expand on that, but he felt her weight settle on his erection and he ended up letting out a soft groan instead.

"Yeah, that's definitely better," he said, nodding as he moved his hands to initially rest on her hips, then slid down to the bare skin of her thighs again. She'd been in his lap a thousand times in the past, but it was always when she was sick, or if the subway was crowded, those sorts of things. There had even been a couple of times when he'd had to make an excuse to get up because he felt himself just beginning to get excited and didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

But for once he was allowed to let her feel what she did to him. "Just promise me you won't do anything you're not ready for yet?"

Bucky's large, strong hands on her bare thighs was one of Steph's favorite things now, so much that she ground against his erection not just for the sweet friction it sparked, but also to prompt his fingers to tighten around her flesh and move higher up her legs.

"Promise," she answered, already a little breathless in anticipation. She'd have said something about being old and having waited enough to be long ready, but she was too distracted to be a little punk about it. Instead she continued to thrust her hips, slowly, sensually, savoring the way it made them both feel.

She'd imagined this so many times. Her favorite was being on his lap while he read to her, and as he recited the words into her ear he would slip a hand under her skirt and up her thigh. She never accounted for how hard he might be until now though, or the look he would be giving her; her sketches were going to need updating.

The way Steph was grinding against him did it's job. He slid his hands further up her thighs, just slightly under the hem of her shirt-dress, and squeezed. Considering he was wearing thin pajama pants and his underwear, Bucky could feel every move she made. His eyes slid closed for a moment as he bit down on his lip, arching up under her slightly to press against her in return.

"Jesus, baby doll," he said, voice low as he opened his eyes to look at her again. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?" The way he watched her, eyes blown and breathing just slightly rough, probably gave it away. "What you've always done to me?"

Part of him wanted to just pick her up and toss her onto a bed, but at the same time, part of him wanted to savor his first chance to be with her in whatever way she wanted. He didn't want to push her too far and she'd been through so much that day. But fuck, he wanted her.

Steph's expression was a mirror of his; somewhat dazed, eyes a little wild, breathing rather ragged. Bucky's hips lifting under her didn't help matters. She was pretty sure he could feel in turn how wet she already was, but for the first time, she couldn't find it in her to be embarrassed.

Her face lit up at 'baby doll'. She hated it when anyone called her little or anything infantalizing — and she'd gotten that so much growing up — but he made it sound so sweet. He could call her anything, really, and she would bask in it.

"I think I do." She rocked her hips teasingly, but it backfired on her as a moan escaped her instead. She stilled for a moment then, cupping his cheek with fingers that surprisingly trembled and resting her forehead against his. "So, um. Are we gonna fuck or do you need more time...?"

A lot had happened today for both of them. But she wasn't the one who got abandoned by the love of his life, and even if Steph was the same person, technically, she would understand if he needed time to process that before getting on with her. They had time. Besides, she was already used to waiting.

Bucky shouldn't have been surprised by just how blunt Steph was when asking if they were going to fuck, but he was. He liked it though.

With a soft groan, he pressed up against her one more time before picking her up by her waist and setting her on her feet, then quickly got to his own feet, suddenly thankful for the plaid print on his pants because if they had been a solid color the wet spot from where his cock had been leaking would be visible.

But Steph might have also left a visible wet spot on him and, honestly? He thought that would have been hot.

Not wanting to lose contact with her entirely, Bucky took her hand and laced their fingers together as he led her back to her bedroom, then had her sit on the bed, as he moved to the bedside tables. Praying to find condoms or something in there (she'd planned everything else out so damn well, after all), he began to dig through the drawer on one side of the bed before getting annoyed and walking around to the other table.

Steph should probably have been less blunt about what she wanted, or at least pretend to be embarrassed, but if there was one thing she'd learned from constantly being sick, it was to seize the good things when they came, which wasn't all that often. And she had hoped for so long to have a shot at winning Bucky's affections that she wasn't about to turn down the opportunity now that it was here. She might be a dumbass, but she wasn't stupid enough to throw away a second chance.

She watched him rummage through the drawers, not really sure what to do now that they were. Should she take off her clothes? Freshen up in the bathroom first? Or just lie down and wait? Her friends never talked about this part, only how big their husbands' or boyfriends' cocks were, how many orgasms they had (if at all), or any disastrous incidents. (As fun as it would be to brag that her man could effortlessly pin her to wall, Steph wasn't the sort to kiss and tell.)

"It's okay if there ain't any," she called out after a while. Yeah, she was willing to risk it too. Seize the day and all that.

Grumbling a bit, Bucky closed the drawer. Apparently, she kept everything but condoms in there. Pencils, a small sketchbook, a book of crosswords. He'd even spotted at least one... toy, but he wasn't ready to pull that out of the drawer. Maybe some other day.

But he needed to move on and come up with another plan. "You have no idea how much I want to be bare in you, Steph," he said as he moved back to the bed and sat, angled to face her. "But you always said it was too dangerous for you to get pregnant one day." Not that that had stopped him from picturing a life with her, complete with a house, rings, and a kid or three.

An idea hit him then. "I could call the bodega, offer to pay them extra to bring us a box," he started, then leaned in to kiss and nuzzle at her neck for a moment. "Maybe go down on you until they get here."

Steph shouldn't have been surprised that even decades later, Bucky had not forgotten about her. There seemed to be some kind of defining line between Steph and Cap, on the basis of their health and appearance, and he could have simply left the past behind. But he still remembered her ailments and health concerns, even something she'd said only in passing. She hadn't liked talking about starting a family. It was something she'd always wanted, especially being an only child, but 1) she'd thought the boy he loved wasn't interested in her at all, and 2) having a child could potentially kill her, nevermind what conditions she might pass on to the baby. So she'd spoken of it only once, and that was that. Yet Bucky remembered.

She threw her arms around him then, squeezing tight. For a while she didn't say anything, only a quiet, "Thank you." She was probably ruining the atmosphere, but it had to be said.

Then he was nuzzling her neck and offering alternatives. God, she loved him so much. "Or you could pull out and finish in my mouth?" There was still a chance she might get pregnant, but it wasn't like she would keel over then and there if she did. She'd talked to some doctors at the hospital about that.

Bucky wrapped his arms around her just as tightly, groaning softly in her ear at her suggestion. "What are you thanking me for, Steph? I didn't do anything special." He didn't think he did. All he did was give other options.

"Jesus that sounds hot, but let me at least try calling them first?" he murmured against her ear. "Much as I thought about making a family with you in the past, I sure as hell don't wanna risk you. We still need to talk to doctors to see what kind of help they have for you now that they didn't then." Bucky shifted to press another kiss to her lips before pulling away and standing. He'd left his phone in the living room, and it didn't take long for him to look up the phone number for the place on the corner and give them a call.

A couple minutes and a $200 promise later (expensive, especially to Bucky's old man standards, but at least he'd been in modern time for a little while), he came back into the bedroom with a smirk on his face. "Someone should be by in a few minutes," he said as he got back into his place beside the tiny blonde. "When we visit a doctor we can ask what other kinds of birth control there are now. I know there's something else."

"You remembered who I was before I was... her," was Steph's simple explanation. It would be an even bigger deal once she'd learn that Bucky had had gaps in his memories. It just meant a lot.

Then he was off making a call. She watched him disappear into the corridor that led toward the living room, then she let herself flop back into the mattress. What a crazy day it had been. Time travel, green men, finding out you became hot but even more stupid in the future. And now Bucky was getting some guy to deliver a box of condoms so they could have sex. Hours ago he was much closer to her age, out somewhere in Europe, fighting in the war.

She sat back up when he returned, grinning at how pleased he seemed to be by the development and the thought that he wasn't going to let anything stop them from fucking tonight. God, she was no means athletic, but she sure as hell wasn't letting her health get in the way either.

"Okay." She opened her arms. "Kisses while waiting?"

"I'll kiss you any time you want, sweetheart," Bucky told her as he leaned in to let their lips meet again. Wrapping an arm around Steph's middle, Bucky tugged her close again, absolutely loving the fact that he was allowed to touch her and be so close to her now.

Eventually, he broke the kiss, grinning softly at her. "Of course I remember everything about who you were, and are," he started, pressing gentle kisses to her cheeks. "When I escaped and started to remember things, all my first memories aside from that place were of you." She was even the trigger for him remembering anything in the first place, even if it was just feelings of must protect initially. Protecting Stephanie Grace Rogers had always been Bucky's number one priority, and he couldn't see that changing any time soon.

Steph didn't move into Bucky's lap this time, if only because she realized he would have to get up again and she would hate the interruption even more if she were grinding against him. Kissing at least kept her urges at a controllable simmer. She'd always known she felt things a bit too much — especially anger at the unfairness of things, and righteous indignation — but that it extended to sexual desire was a revelation. Or maybe because it was Bucky. If he made her love so fiercely, then it wasn't far off that he made her lust too.

"There are just better things to remember," she said quietly, ducking her head a little. Cap's shadow was one she would have to live with now, and it would take a little more time for her to get used to it. But if he could love her for who she was — ordinary, unremarkable Stephanie Rogers — then she could do that too.

She decided to change the subject, reaching to give his sleeve a playful tug. "Can't wait to get this off you."

"Hey," Bucky watched the way she ducked her head, frowning just slightly at the way she almost seemed to hide a bit. But at least she didn't pull away. "I've always paid attention to the things you tell me, whether it was a song you liked or something with your health. How could I try to look out for you if I didn't pay attention to your health?" Especially since she was the type who would lie and say she was fine when she was obviously getting exhausted, or try to push through if she began to come down with something, until the point where she had to do something about it.

But when she pulled at his sleeve, he paused. Bucky hadn't exactly thought about that part, too caught up with everything else to consider that she was going to want him shirtless. "It's... It's not pretty, Steph," he sighed. "There's a lot of scarring, and it's just... It's not right." Logically, Bucky was well aware that he wasn't exactly the only disabled vet who lost a limb. But most of them didn't have their prosthetic permanently fused to their body, complete with skin overlapping the edge of the metal.

"You didn't have to anymore," Steph explained. "I'm just glad you still remember." She couldn't make Bucky stop in the same way she wouldn't stop taking care of him, and not for lack of trying. That was just how it worked when you love someone, she supposed.

It was her turn to frown. She hadn't just meant the arm specifically, but it was understandable for him to have strong feelings about his body. She did, and it wasn't even like she was deformed or anything, just not tall and curvy and traditionally beautiful per society's standards. She drew her hand back to cup his cheek instead. "Sorry. You don't gotta take it off if you don't wanna. But how you look will never change how I feel about you." If he'd come home from the war unable to walk or bedridden for the rest of his days, she would still love him, and take care of him despite her own poor health.

Bucky rolled his eyes at that comment. "Steph, sweetheart, I need you to know that I'm always gonna look after you. You've been the most important person in the world since we were kids." Even after she had gotten the serum, Bucky still went out of his way to look out for her. He helped her put together the Howlies so he could stay by her side, pulled her out of a river when he didn't even understand why he needed to do that, and kept himself away when he knew he wasn't safe to be around. Bucky was always going to put Steph before himself. Didn't matter if she was big or small.

"No, it's-" Bucky almost said it was okay, but it wasn't okay. Not exactly. "You should probably at least know what you're signing on with, cause it's not a normal prosthetic or anything." Figuring he needed to go ahead and get it over with, Bucky sighed and pulled away from her, but stayed angled towards her instead of turning away as he pulled his shirt off and set it aside. He was pretty sure the scars on his back were a little worse than the ones on his chest.

This moment wasn't like anything Steph ever imagined. She certainly never expected herself to be angry. Fingers trembling, she reached out to touch the part where flesh met metal, only to stop before she could make contact.

"Can I...?" She swallowed. It felt wrong, but she wanted to trace those scars with her fingertips, then with her mouth. Not in a sexual way, but with love and acceptance. She'd meant it, that she loved him. This changed nothing.

Well, nothing except her understanding and support of Cap. She could see herself making that decision now too, especially if Bucky never told her what she really meant to him. Give them hell, Captain, she thought, though it did little to ease the tension that had seeped into her. He didn't deserve any of this. And then he was to be tried for some crime? Who did she have to fight? Because she was going to fight.

If it had been anyone but Steph -- either Steph -- Bucky would have pulled away, refusing to let them touch him. Hell, he never even let anyone see where it connected. Sure, sometimes he tore the sleeve off his jacket or shirt when he had to fight, but that was because the material would get pinched and caught between the plates on occasion. It was easier to get it out of the way. But when he wasn't fighting, he rarely even wore short sleeves, and usually even had gloves on in public, no matter the season.

When not at his hut, at least. At his hut, he dressed completely different.

But it was Steph, and he had seen her at her sickest, and her most troubled. Not only was fair fair, he trusted her. "Yeah, you can touch it if you want." Why she would want to, he had no idea.

Bucky only flinched slightly at the first brush of her fingertips. "Sorry," he said, voice soft. "It doesn't hurt or anything, I'm just not used to it being touched. Or... Seen. Outside of a hospital, at least."

Steph was as gentle as she could be, even as her fingers trembled from the building rage inside of her. She furiously blinked back tears as she followed the path of Bucky's scars, then leaned in to press her lips to his skin.

It wasn't fair. He deserved better than this. War was cruel, that was true, but she wished there was something she could have done anyway. Her own helplessness made her angry, too.

"I love you so much," was all she said after a long moment, her mouth still on his skin and her eyes brimming with tears. Then she straightened and took his metal hand in both of hers. If I had the power to change anything, I would, too, she had been about to say, but her own words stopped her. True, she didn't have the serum to make her strong and healthy like Cap, or whatever magic stone Cap used to travel through time. But what had happened to him — the war, the fall, and the unspeakable after — weren't the only wounds that needed healing. She could change that.

"Thank you for sharing this with me." She brought his hand up to her mouth and kissed the back of it. "I can't change what happened to you, Buck. I wish I could. But I'm here now, for whatever that's worth."

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