dysmorphics | open post

Steph missed the look, because she ducked her head just as Bucky turned to look at her. He... thought she was pretty like this? That was nice to know. She'd always worried some other girl would catch his eye and he'd forget about her; then she'd worried she couldn't hold a candle to the utterly gorgeous Steph who saved the universe and jumped off planes without a parachute.

"That's a hell of a name to live up to," she mused, idly swiping through more photos. Captain America. Wow. Seemed like Cap did their country proud, though. Her friends were, she'd seen it on their faces. How disappointed they must have been to have tiny, useless Steph in her place.

Then she paused at a photo, turning to show it to him. "Is that why she's wearing the flag?" It's an unusual picture though. The very prominent American flag design aside, Cap was wearing a skirt, not a suit.

Bucky couldn't help laughing a bit at the picture in question. It was one of the posters for her Lady Liberty show, Steph posing with her fake shield and a salute. "Yeah, that was how they had her dress as Lady Liberty for her show. I never got to see her performance, unfortunately, so I looked up pictures a while back to tease her with. It's easy to look up anything now."

Slouching down on the couch a bit so he could look over her shoulder instead of looming over her, he watched as she continued to flip through the pictures. Thankfully, he wasn't the sort to take those embarrassing selfies that he saw so many people on the internet posting, so it was mostly just pictures of Steph, goats, or random items that Bucky didn't know the use for. He took a picture of those to send to Steph to see if she knew.

She was so small beside him that a part of him worried that the chin he let rest on her shoulder would be too heavy. She would probably tell him if it was, or shove him off or something, but he just wanted that extra bit of closeness. At least for a minute.

Instead of shoving Bucky off, Steph did the opposite and tried to scoot back into him. It was a natural reaction from her, having been so used to being in close contact with him. In hindsight, it was really stupid for neither of them to realize the other had feelings. Not with how touchy they got with each other, which wasn't something 'just friends' did.

Maybe they did know, deep down. They were just too scared. Now they'd lost their chance.

... well, not really. This was a second chance, wasn't it? In some bizarre, mindblowing way that she might just have to stop questioning.

She had to laugh at the photo. It was so silly, but she supposed it worked if it made Cap self-conscious of her new body. "Guess she really boosted morale, huh." Reminded of something, she turned her head to look at him, or at least try to, since his chin was on her shoulder. "We won, right? The war?"

No sooner had she said it that she realized their faces were so close now. He definitely looked older, and a lot less clean-shaven than she was used to, but he was still Bucky.

Not really knowing what possessed her, she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek then.

"I hear we won, at least." He wasn't exactly in the best position to witness the end of the war, after all.

But then Steph was pressing a kiss to his cheek and Bucky couldn't help it. He might be over a hundred years old (either 101 or 106, depending on how you looked at it), but this tiny woman pressing a kiss to his cheek still made his face go red just like it did the rare times she did it when they were young.

"Yeah. Yes. In um," apparently Steph shorted Bucky's brain out for a moment there. "45, I think? I was sorta... already out of commission by then."

Bucky didn't pull away from her though, just let out a soft sigh and closed his eyes, turning his body just slightly so his metal arm could reach across to drape gently over her waist. "I'm so old, Steph. I wasn't... aware for most of it, but I'm over a hundred now. And the things they made me do..."

Steph passed the phone to her other hand, then placed her newly freed one over Bucky's metal fingers. It should be weird. This whole thing was weird. He was over a hundred to her 25; she was the ghost of his lost love. But being in his arms felt no different, even if one was made of metal now.

"It's behind you now, right? You're free?" Not just free from being controlled, but free of the war, and free to do whatever he wanted.

In an attempt to lighten up the mood, she teased, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you, old man. I'll give you baths and help you get dressed and hold your hand when you cross the road."

Bucky was still learning about and getting used to his new arm, but one thing he appreciated was the better pressure sensors. It meant he could feel Steph's hand resting on top of his more than he would have with his last arm.

"No more wars if I can help it," he said simply, even though he'd been drafted into the first one, so he hadn't even wanted that one. Back then, he'd just wanted to stay home and keep an eye on his best friend. "No more trigger words. I'll probably have a trial eventually, but I have no idea when yet." And who knows how that would go, especially with Captain America gone and unable to vouch for him.

But he wasn't completely alone, so that was good.

"Hey, you might prefer bumming around with people closer to your age," he said with a soft chuckle. Everyone he knew of was closer to her age, except maybe Thor. And he really only knew of him in passing. "I could at least introduce you to Shuri. She's not much younger than you."

A trial. Steph knew the things Bucky had been made to do were bad, even if he hadn't detailed what, but the thought of him potentially being locked up because of them worried her. Shit, she'd have to figure something out, just in case.

But she didn't want him worrying about her worrying, so she just squeezed his hand and said nothing about it. She'd think about it later. Probably start by befriending Cap's friends and go from there.

Which he was suggesting, sort of. She waved the phone in her other hand. "I didn't even know what this was. Or that." She gestured at the TV with the same hand. "Or that— what is that?" This time she was pointing at the tablet on the coffee table. It was locked with a passcode (Bucky's birthday) and needed charging, but they would find it filled with Cap's newer art, mostly from the last five years after the Snap. "I'm nearly old as you are, I just wasn't aware for most of it," she parroted back to him.

"I bugged the other Steph with questions about what everything was for a pretty good while." Hell, he'd texted her earlier that week asking what some weird thing in her kitchen was for. "Seems only fair that you ask me now. And if I don't know I'll find out for you. But, for the record. That's my phone in your hand, TV on the wall, and the thing on the table is... a..." Bucky actually squinted as he stared at the thing, as though that would help him remember better. "Tablet? Pretty sure it's a tablet. It's kinda like a big phone, but doesn't make calls."

Bucky rolled his eyes at the parroting, though. Because of course he did. "Nope, you skipped. I was alive, just frozen most of the time. No time travel involved." That was probably the most bare bones and nonsensical way he could have phrased that, but there it was. Too late.

"Frozen?"

This Steph might not know what it felt like to be buried alive in ice, but she knew what it felt like to be cold. She'd spent many winter nights shivering in her rundown apartment with blankets and sheets that barely offered warmth, wondering and waiting if it was finally the day she was going to die. That part, the waiting, was the worst. Death would have offered respite; otherwise it was a prolonged suffering. Was that what it had been like for him?

She slowly shifted in his hold, but only so she could face him properly and put her arms around him again. She still couldn't quite manage, which would've been funny if their conversation hadn't turned serious. "I'm so sorry, Buck. It all sounds so awful—" She shook her head, her face pressed against his chest. "But I'm glad you're still alive. I'm glad I got to be with you again."

Bucky didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Steph in return, holding her close as he pressed a kiss to her hair. "It's... I can't say "it's okay," because it's not really. But I survived it. I'm here now." Though if they hadn't sent him in particular after Steph he likely would have either still been with them or killed like the rest of the Soldiers.

"But yeah, it's called cryogenic freezing. Kinda... freezes your body, but you're not dead. You can be woken back up whenever needed, then put back under again. Think like... I don't know, a cold coma without aging." And that's what he'd spent decades going in and out of, but not until after all the time it took to get his mind to start giving up. He had spent quite a while hoping Steph would come for him again, but also hoping she stayed far, far away from that lab. "I'm glad I'm here, too." Most of the time. "And that you're here. If nothing else, we know that the inhaler worked faster on you than your smokes did."

Steph's grip tightened as Bucky explained what he meant exactly by being frozen. Now there was one modern development she wasn't enamored with, because what the fuck? War was truly horrifying, and while she'd barely lived through one, it was enough that she'd lost her father and almost lost her best friend to it.

"Just be here. It's okay if you're not okay." She hadn't been okay for years, probably never really, yet he stood by her side anyway. She would do the same, and more.

Now she understood Cap's decision to leave. She owed it to him to try. But whether or not Steph's presence here was planned, she felt like she was meant to stay. She would never, ever be able to fill Cap's shoes, but she could love him and be with him.

"That's what I'm trying to do," Bucky said with a sigh. Since the Blip, he had been dragging his feet on going back to Wakanda to see if he still had any goats, not wanting to get taken away from Steph again, but not quite admitting that's what he was doing. But now he was glad he hadn't gone back. What would this Steph do if he hadn't been there? Sure, he would have gotten to her as fast as he could as soon as he heard, but that was beside the point.

"You don't mind if I keep staying in your apartment, do you?" he asked, a half-joke to try to lighten the mood just slightly. Sure, it fell flat on its face, but at least he tried. "You're the one with all the money. I can't afford rent around here."

"I have money?" Steph pulled back to look at him with a grin, getting an idea. "We should go to Coney Island." She hated that rollercoaster and wouldn't get on it ever again, not even for a million dollars, but she liked everything else. Bucky used to take her every year on her birthday, until this year, or, well, the year she came from.

She glanced around the apartment. It was too big for one person. She had a feeling Cap had intended for him to live here with her, or after her, if she'd been planning the time travel rescue for a while. "And you gotta stay. What if the stove starts talking to me?" Steph used to stubbornly refuse help, insisting she could do things just fine despite her poor health, but now she didn't mind the extra hand.

"Well, what was hers is now yours. You're the same person, after all. So, her money should be your money, and I'm pretty sure you've got a good bit of it." A lot of it, more like. "Sure, whenever you want. Just not tonight."

Bucky was watching her, staring at her almost. But at least he had a soft smile on his face as he watched her. How could he not, though? How long had it been since he had seen Steph, small and smiling at him like this? "I haven't heard it talk since I got here, at least. But your washing machine plays a stupid fucking song every time it finishes. I need to track down your manual or something so I can figure out how to cut it out."

There were still several things about their present time that Bucky would have to figure out, but at least he could look a lot of it up on the Google. Otherwise, seemed like he and Steph would just have to figure those things out together.

"What's a washing machine?" Clearly it washed something but what, exactly? A little giggle also escaped her then because he was very cute with his grumbling. Sometimes she annoyed him just to get a rise out of him; there was just something so endearing about it.

But, yeah, she didn't mean they were going out tonight or anything. Just that if she had money to burn, she would love to use it to spend time with him. Though that made her frown after a moment. "How's that gonna work? Are people gonna expect me to do the... avenging stuff?" She wasn't Captain America material. Did she have to like, undergo surgery for it? Would she have to spend the rest of her life in the shadow of her future self? That didn't sound very appealing, even if she was still the same woman who would fight bullies in an alley.

Bucky's smile widened slightly. Steph's laugh had always been like a balm to him. "It washes your clothes for you. There's also a dryer that dries them, and a dishwasher that washes most dishes. Unless they're the kind of plastic that melts easy, which most aren't." Bucky had learned that the hard way.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure they'll see you're not her on the outside," Bucky chuckled a bit then. "She didn't change much on the inside after the serum, by the way. That's why you got picked, that idiot wants-to-do-good heart of yours. But I'm pretty sure she was laying the foundation to retire anyway."

Pausing, he shrugged a bit and thought of them going out. "We'll figure out the public thing. Worst case, we'll put a ball cap on your head, and no one will notice."

She laughed again while giving him a disbelieving look. "That works?" A ball cap for a disguise was ridiculous. But maybe, like art, it was a matter of perspective.

It was weird to have to think of herself as a public figure though. She'd never had that problem before. If anything, she thought being noticed was the issue, since the love of her life didn't seem to see she was right there.

She slowly got to her feet and, without hesitation, tugged at his metal hand with a grin. "Show me the washing machine. I wanna hear it sing." She wanted to see everything now, or at least the modern marvels in their apartment. It was theirs now, right?

Bucky was a bit surprised at the ease with which Steph grabbed him by that hand, but it didn't stop him from getting to his feet and going with her. "It only does that when it finishes running," he said, holding her hand as he led her to a doorway in the short hall. Opening it up showed a small stacked washer and dryer unit, with a fold-down ironing board on the wall beside it. He gave her a quick description, as well as a promise to actually show her how it worked next time laundry needed to be done, before leading her to the kitchen so he could show her the dishwasher and microwave.

"Oh, I can actually show you this now," he said after realizing the dishes in the dishwasher were still dirty from the night before. So he did the simple thing of popping in one of the pods and hitting the button.

"I, uh, don't know what else to show you right now? You see anything?" he asked, looking around from where he stood beside the dishwasher.

Steph was like a kid who got her Christmas presents early. True, she hadn't been particularly impressed by the demonstration during the Stark Expo, but then she didn't own a car and took public transport. These devices though? They made chores easier. Things she actually did. So, yes, she fawned over the washing machine and the dishwasher and the microwave and the coffee maker and the food processor and the air fryer and the instant noodles and the variety of stuff in the refrigerator (including the ice dispenser) that was even taller than she was.

It was actually pretty nice in 2023.

They opened another round of sodas and Steph settled on one of the stools by the kitchen counter. There she noticed a sketchpad held in place by a paperweight in the shape of some kind of hammer. Curiosity winning over, she picked it up to examine, though stopped when she found a large light pink (to her blue-blind eyes, but it was actually bright yellow) folder beneath it. On the corner, in her handwriting: for Bucky, or Steph, if you find this first.

"Uh, Buck?" She waved him over, clutching the sketchpad with both hands and staring at the folder like it was a live grenade.

Bucky had been pulling a pack of cookies out of a cabinet when Steph called him over, so he brought the Oreos as he walked over. "Whatcha got?" he asked, mindlessly placing a hand on her upper back as he looked over her shoulder.

When he saw the writing on the corner of the folder, he frowned. "So this was her plan the whole time, huh?" he muttered, more to himself than to Steph. When he opened it, he saw... bank paperwork first? Confused, he read over it until he spotted something. It wasn't the amount she had that made his eyes go wide (though it probably should have), it was the fact that his name was listed on the account right beside hers.

"What the hell?"

Steph's eyes did grow wide at the amount, because holy shit, Cap had money. What were they even going to do with all that?

Rifling through the rest of the contents, she found some paperwork for the apartment's lease; Bucky's name was listed now too. There was also a small piece of paper torn off a notepad that listed a few coordinates each followed by a string of numbers — Cap's safehouses, which she'd acquired while on the run and continued to maintain just in case. Below the last one was a little note: I got some of your old gear, was gonna give it back when you were in the clear :)

Steph's confusion about 'in the clear' was answered by a printout of an email exchange titled 'Winter Soldier Trial' and a business card of a lawyer named Matt Murdock, on the back of which was a handwritten addition of You can also try Jen followed by a phone number. The initial emails said it all:

Matt,

I'm calling in that favor. They're gonna put him on trial anytime now, probably while the Blip has the world distracted. I have evidence of the Program from the Siberian facility. What else do you need?

Steph

---

Steph,

Do you have the book?

Matt

---

Matt,

It's not mine to give, not even as evidence. But he'll have it when you need it.

Steph

Steph picked up the printout and under it sat a battered red notebook with a black star.

Bucky had taken a seat on the stool beside Steph as they continued through the paperwork and the pile, but when he saw that notebook sitting there, he jerked his hand back like touching it would burn him. Eyes wide, he stared at it for a long moment. Logically, he knew that the notebook itself couldn't hurt him, and that his programming was gone, but that didn't change the fact that he hated the sight of that thing.

"Can you, uh," he started, then took a deep breath to try to steady himself, squeezing his right hand into a tight fist to try to hide the slight tremor brought on by the sudden rush of anxiety. "Can you put that notebook somewhere? I don't even care where. Just... somewhere I might not just find it on accident easily? But it sounds like I'll need it soon," he asked Steph without taking his eyes off the book in question. If he didn't think he'd need it soon, he'd just go out on the fire escape and set fire to it.

Steph had no idea why Bucky was so spooked about a notebook, but he didn't have to tell her twice. She picked it up and tucked it under her arm, then slid off the stool and headed to her bedroom. Curiosity made her scan the pages before putting it away, but everything was in a foreign language. Russian, maybe?

When she returned, she pushed her stool closer to his so when she sat back down she was closer too. Asking him if he was okay would be dumb, so she simply leaned in to kiss him on the cheek again. He hadn't told her off the last time she did it, so she figured it was alright.

The last item in the pile was a letter.

Dear Bucky,

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about any of this, but you wouldn't have agreed to it. None of you would have.

But please understand that I owe it to you to try. You saved me long before the war, you know? I couldn't have survived all those years without you. But thanks to you, I lived, and I was happy.

I just want you to be happy, Buck. That's all I ever really wanted.

I don't wish to undo the years of our youth. It was hard, but you made it worthwhile. But the war and its aftermath we can both live without, especially you. It's selfish to sacrifice the Stephanie of that timeline, but I know she'll understand. I know she loves you just as much as I do, and she'll make you happier than I ever could.

Don't come after me. Don't let the others come after me. There's probably some cosmic consequence for using the Time Stone unsanctioned anyway, and I've already lived longer than I deserve. But if this plan works, in one timeline you will never have been captured, HYDRA will never have taken over SHIELD, and Stephanie Rogers will never have been Captain America. You'll think her dead, but you'll be alive, and you'll move on.

Yours,
Steph

Bucky couldn't believe what he was reading as he took in the letter. Yeah, it was pretty much what he'd suspected, wasn't it? But it was still stupid. It pissed him off, he wanted to throw something, or break something, or scream. But he didn't.

Instead he let his head hang down, his hands in his hair as he tried to hold back the tears. Was she really doing it for him, or was she doing it for her?

"He won't be happy," Bucky said out loud, shaking his head. "Even if she pulls this stupid shit off, he won't be happy." He turned to look at the Steph beside him then, so small and pretty and out of her time. But he still loved her, just like he'd loved the idiot who came up with the whole plan. Just like he had loved her when he was first captured, and for so many years before that. "If he thinks you're dead, he'll never be happy, and if he thinks you went missing, he'll never stop looking. Either way, he'll never move on. So he's still screwed over."

In Bucky's mind, she abandoned him for nothing.

Edited 2025-12-02 17:50 (UTC)

Bucky hadn't said she couldn't, so Steph rested her chin on his arm and quietly read the letter along with him. She felt him tense, and she'd expected him to walk off or something. Even if she understood Cap's motivations, she thought the whole thing was stupid. Maybe because, unlike Cap, she knew Bucky loved her.

But then he just... deflated, and it broke her heart more than she expected it to. Made her angry, too. They should've talked about this. Cap should've asked him if he wanted this in the first place.

"You would rather get captured and frozen and lose an arm than lose her?" Her voice was small and tight, laced with anger and heartbreak all at once. It was stupid of him to think that way. Cap was just a woman. Steph, too. They were replaceable, and there were so many other, better options.

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