dysmorphics | it's you and me up against the world, it's you and me

"I'd hoped it was you." Steph sighed. "And that something would change after that." She shrugged and bit into her granola bar. "But you just went on more dates. I couldn't let go, though. Couldn't move on."

Realizing their conversation had taken a somber turn, she smiled and turned her head to kiss his cheek. "But we already established that we were young and stupid." It wasn't his fault that she was so insecure that even now, after all the ways he'd shown and told her that he loved her, she would sometimes still feel a pang of regret and longing.

She decided to change the subject, shifting her attention back to the laptop screen. The video had ended and there were suggestions for what to watch next, but she wasn't feeling any more of it. "I don't really need this when I have you," she said, closing the laptop. "You wanna see my other drawings?"

"Of course it was me," Bucky said simply before turning to press a kiss to her forehead, a soft grin on his face. "Not only was he a piece of shit for making you into some kind of bet-" the way Bucky said that last word showed just how much contempt he had in the idea of Steph being a bet, or a joke, "-but that jackass even stole your damn asthma cigarettes, which put you in actual danger."

Sure, in the 2020s they had much better ways to treat asthma, and they learned that cigarettes of any sort actually made her lungs worse, but at the time, that was the best option they knew of. And, in Bucky's mind, that asshole could have killed her.

When Steph closed the laptop, Bucky just moved so he could set it on his bedside table, immediately done with it, then rolled back over so he could wrap his good arm around Steph's middle. "Sweetheart, I don't think I've ever turned down seeing any of your art."

It soothed something in Steph to hear the way Bucky speak about the incident like it hadn't been decades for him, yet still with the same intensity and conviction. The dumbass really did love her even back then, despite his mixed signals.

She kissed him again, this time on the month, slow and lingering. "Thank you," she said against his lips when they broke off. "For always looking out for me." She smiled. "And for not seeing other people anymore," she couldn't help adding. For all he disparaged himself and thought himself old and broken, she was sure there would be plenty who would want to date and fuck him. She'd seen things on the Internet.

While he put away the laptop, she grabbed her sketchpad again, flipping to the explicit drawings on the second half. She stopped at one with him leaning back into a chair, tie undone and dress shirt unbuttoned, and a tiny blonde kneeling between his legs, hunched over as she sucked his cock. The perspective was from the side, with most of the woman's face hidden by her hair, save for her mouth, where his dick disappeared into. There was only a subtle hint as to her identity: her dress. It had been his favorite.

"I pictured us married a lot," she confessed, blushing. "Like this is you coming home from work."

"Sweetheart, I haven't been on a date with anyone else since I shipped off to England," he told her honestly. No hookups on rare weekends off, no stepping out when he was running around with the Howlies, no second glances at anyone since he escaped HYDRA for good. As soon as he'd had excuses to stop going on dates with women he knew he wasn't interested in, he stopped. And he hadn't regretted it once.

Really, he only regretted not telling the one he did want how he felt sooner.

When he turned his attention back to the sketchbook in Steph's hands, he grinned. Sure, the picture was hot as hell and drawn amazingly well, but he wanted to point out something else when he spotted what she'd drawn herself wearing. "You know, that dress was the same color as your eyes?" he said, turning his head so he could see the eyes in question. "So they always looked extra bright when you wore it." Plus, it also just... hugged her in flattering ways.

Bucky shifted then, slouching down on the bed a bit so he could look at the sketchbook with his chin on her shoulder. He just wanted to be close to her. "I pictured us married so much that I decided I was gonna tell you how I felt and propose when I got home."

"Really? Maybe they brought it with them." Steph had taken good care of her clothes so she didn't have to buy new ones, rotating through and mix-and-matching a couple of pieces. The dress in question was still part of her wardrobe by the time Cap had sent her off to the future, so it should be in the suitcases if Bucky had a hand in choosing what to bring.

Anyway, she laughed softly at the realization that she'd never really known the colors of her clothes. "I can wear it again if you like it so much," she teased. Maybe they could even reenact her sketches, because it was a whole series.

She flipped the page, to the next drawing. He was topless and barefoot now. He stood behind her with his mouth to her ear while he had a hand shoved under the neckline of her dress and the other under her skirt, bunching it up at the front. Even without showing where his hands actually touched, or her face, as it was obscured again by her hair, the scene looked hot as hell. The little details made all the difference: one of her hands gripping his over her dress, on her chest; her head tilted back and her little gaping mouth; her panties caught on her ankles.

"We'll have to look through your stuff tomorrow and see," Bucky said with a grin. Aside from maybe taking a shower, he didn't plan on doing much of anything outside of the bed for the rest of the night.

When she turned the page the grin shifted into more of a smirk. "See, this drawing is hotter than the porn you picked for us to watch tonight," he said, chuckling softly against her ear. "But that might be because it's you in the picture."

It'll be hotter when Steph is the one blindfolded and with her hands tied. After seeing her interest in that video, Bucky might even look into getting some sort of toy to use on her while she's blindfolded.

"So you're not weirded out that I drew all these?" At the time when they were only supposed to be friends? Must be weird to be the object of your best friend's fantasies. Or by the realization, based on the sketches, that Steph was horny as fuck, despite generally looking like a harmless wisp of a woman?

Probably not, but she had to ask anyway.

She turned to the next pages to show him the progression of that series of sketches. Her bent over on a table or something, the emphasis on her hands clawing across the surface. Her thighs framing his face as he licked her pussy. Her breasts on the foreground, as though the sketch was viewed from her eyes, with him kneeling between her legs, holding his cock as he spilled on her.

Bucky was probably glad Cap's secret sketchpad never made it to the Smithsonian.

"Steph, I would be a huge hypocrite if I was weirded out by your drawings," Bucky told her with a roll of his eyes. "I might not have been drawing it cause I can't draw for shit, but I was definitely thinking these sorts of things." But while the focus of most of her pictures was clearly on him, the focus of Bucky's thoughts was all Steph.

But, he continued to grin as he looked at the drawings with his chin on Steph's shoulder, taking in the details of each page as she revealed them. "We've already done a lot of these, you know," he pointed out. "Maybe not in those close, but we've done the... activities."

Steph finished her granola bar and set the wrapper aside. Then, giggling, she turned her head to press a kiss to Bucky's cheek. "I know. Dreams do come true," she teased. Even the future she'd dreamed of while sketching that kiss on Coney Island had come true, in some way. She was happy. He seemed happy enough, too.

She put the sketchpad away after showing him the last couple drawing he hadn't seen. "You know," she said suddenly, remembering something he'd said, "you can't draw for shit, but you're really good with a camera." She wasn't only referring to the pictures he'd taken of her in bed, though she thought of those a lot.

Shrugging, Bucky moved so he was lying stretched out beside her, one arm still slung over her waist. He no longer needed to sit up to look at the book with her, so why not get comfortable again?

"Cameras are easy," he told her matter-of-factly. "You're just... I don't know. Taking a picture of what's already there." He'd always enjoyed taking pictures of the things and times he wanted to remember, but he never really thought there was anything special about it. It was what he was taking pictures of that he liked, not the pictures themselves.

That's why he'd taken so many pictures of Steph over the years.

Steph follows suit, but she lays her head on his chest as she settles horizontally on the bed, her feet dangling over the side. "I like the pictures you took of us," she tells him. She could talk about image composition and framing and all that, but that wasn't what was important.

She reaches up to run a finger along his lower lip, hesitating for a moment before finally daring to press further, "You okay? I mean, you and her, you good now?" She wanted to give him his privacy, but if there was something that bothered him, she wants to be able to do something, even if it's just to listen. Their conversation seemed to have been a lot more heated and emotional than hers with her best friend had been.

Bucky pressed a soft kiss to Steph's head before starting to comb his fingers through her long hair. "All my favorite pictures have been of you," he admitted, a soft smile on his face. It was the truth, though. Ever since he got his first camera, Bucky had taken every excuse to take a picture of his best friend. She didn't always agree to them, so occasionally he'd even snuck one here and there. Like the photo of her he'd kept in his pocket watch when he shipped off to war.

The smile faltered a bit at her question, though, and he sighed. "We'll be okay. It might just take a minute," he started. "Apparently, she didn't realize it just might come off as abandoning me to go find a non-broken Bucky when she pulled that stunt." And even though she'd explained that wasn't what she was doing, it still felt that way. That might ease over time, but he was pretty sure that would always be in the back of his mind when it came to the Steph that had become Captain America.

"But it's alright. I got you out of the whole thing, didn't I? And I wouldn't trade you for anything."

A strange expression flitted across Steph's face for a second. Like how you didn't realize you came off as abandoning me for better women, she thought, but didn't say. This wasn't about her, and besides, that was all in the past. She would have to learn to move on from that.

"You got me," was what she said, smiling. Yeah, she thought it had been a shitty move, but she understood Cap and forgave her, because they were the same person despite their differences in experience and she knew Cap would never forgive herself.

She leaned forward to give him a soft kiss. "It must've been hard, but thanks for hearing her out." She never told him about what she learned in Cap's journals; she figured it wouldn't change anything, only make him feel awful, and he didn't need that added burden after everything.

"He asked if I wanted to go back," she continued, lowkey switching the subject, "but he kind of already expected that I didn't. Would it be alright if he and I hang out sometime? Just lunch and maybe the library. I wanna show him some history books." She'd take her best friend to the Cap exhibit in the Smithsonian if it wasn't in another state, but alas.

"Of course I heard her out. I think... I think both of us needed that conversation." Even though it was painful as hell for the both of them.

"I don't mind you hanging out with him. You need more people than just me, anyway," Bucky began, sighing as he reached up to rub at his eyes with one hand. They had no way of knowing which way the trial would go, even with Captain America herself on his side, and it would be awful if it went in the bad direction and Steph was just left her on her own. Which brought his mind back around to another thing she'd said.

"You... know I wouldn't force you to stay here if you wanted to go back, right?" he asked, voice quiet. "I might not like it, and I might try to convince you otherwise, but if you want to go back..." He couldn't even finish that sentence, but the meaning was clear. Now that they knew it was actually an option, if she wanted to go she could. He would hate it, and being left again might destroy him, but he wouldn't make her stay with him if she'd be happier elsewhere.

Steph looked at Bucky like he'd lost his mind. "I ain't going anywhere," she said simply and without hesitation. Then she sat up, but it was just so she could get on top of him, draping herself like a blanket. "I'm staying right here, because you're here. I made up my mind after our first night together. But I was gonna let you go, if you wanted her back."

Not that there was ever anything between them, was there? Steph knew Cap would never have left otherwise.

"If the trial goes south, we'll figure something out." She'd already given it some thought. Cap took him on the run once, right? And there was this place called Madripoor that had no extradition treaty. "She came back for it though. I don't think she intends to lose." Especially after he'd told Cap about feeling abandoned. He didn't say it to Steph, but even she felt the weight of it hanging over her.

Hearing that almost felt like a weight lifting off Bucky's shoulders, even as Steph draped herself across his body. But, hers was a weight he'd gladly carry any time.

Not that there was much of it. She was tiny, after all.

"I'm sticking with you, Steph," he said, the relief clear in his voice. Deep down, he knew it might have sounded a little harsh, but it was true that he and the older Steph probably had too much darkness in the both of them. Finding their less traumatized counterparts was, honestly, probably the best for both of them. Hopefully, it was good for the younger Steph and Bucky, too.

"For the record, the government doesn't listen to her just cause of that shield she carried," Bucky pointed out. "If they did, she wouldn't have had to spend a couple years on the run." Sighing softly, Bucky pulled one of their blankets over their bodies. "We'll work it out, though. Whatever happens."

"Whatever happens." Steph tilted her head to kiss Bucky's jaw. "I already have a plan anyway, just in case. I just need to talk to her friends."

Actually, she was pretty sure Cap had an emergency protocol too. She seemed to have thought of everything except how Bucky would've felt being left behind, but then she was operating on the assumption that he didn't want her. Steph understood; she'd have been so confused if she was with him for years on the front lines without anything having changed. It really was tragic, the pair of them. And so dumb.

"I know it's hard when you're hurting," she said after a moment, back to resting her head on his chest, "but please believe me that I don't wanna be where you aren't. My life is here now. You are my life now." It wasn't hard to say such things now that they had nothing to fear about the different layers of their relationship. They could still be great friends even as they had sex everyday and lusted after each other.

Bucky wrapped his arms--both of them, even the cold metal one--around her, hugging her tightly. "Good," he started. "Because I already told you, you're it for me." It was always going to be Steph or no one for Bucky, but now it was this particular Steph or no one. She wasn't cursed with having seen what the Winter Soldier was like, and she was just... good for him. He could tell.

He hoped he was good for her in return, and not just by dragging her from doctor to doctor.

"Just promise to talk to me if that ever changes, alright?" Of course he hoped it wouldn't change, but if they talked maybe they could actually work out things as they came up.

This time Steph rolled her eyes at Bucky. "I dunno about you, but I already learned my lesson about not talking." Sure, not talking brought them here, to each other, but he and Cap could've been spared from a lot of pain if they only talked.

Then she snuggled into him again. "And you can tell me anything too, you know that, right? I usually just don't ask because I don't wanna put you on the spot. I can wait until you're ready. But I'm here, okay?" She was ready to share the weight of his dark past, or hold his dark thoughts when things became too much. She loved him, and that was just part of that.

"You can ask me anything you want, Steph," Bucky told her as he let one of his hand rub small circles on the skin of her back. "I'll let you know if it's something I'm not ready to talk about, but you can ask anything. How's that sound?"

He was reaching the point with her that he didn't think she was going to bolt once she found out more about his past and what he was made to do, so there were more and more questions he'd be willing to answer. Plus, she should probably hear about most of the stuff from him before the trial anyway. He would hate for her to just... hear what he did on the news or something, his words and actions twisted to suit the whims of whatever station was reporting it.

And Steph had so many questions. Why Bucky was spooked by that weird red book. The extent of what he'd done as the Soldier, without other people altering his truth. What he still had nightmares about.

"Okay, deal," she said, then pushed herself up just a little so she could look at his face. "I have one now, actually. What don't you want us doing when we fuck?"

She grinned, watching surprise flicker in his expression. It wasn't that she wasn't being serious about his offer, but she figured he'd already had enough heavy conversations today.

Bucky couldn't help laughing at her question. Compared to what he half expected her to ask, it was such a simple, light thing. "I don't know," he started with a grin on his face. "I don't know how I'd take being tied up or anything. Probably not well."

Reaching up, he pushed her hair out of her face again as he added, "I still think it'd be hot on you, don't get me wrong. That's just a me thing. I think I'm pretty open to anything else with you. Only you, though. None of that three-person stuff like that one video had." He didn't know of anything else he didn't think he'd like with her, at least. But his knowledge of what crazy stuff modern people got up to in bed these days was pretty limited.

Bucky's laughter was always worth the effort. Contagious, too.

"Yeah, no, it's just gonna be us, always." As hot as it might be to have a dick in her mouth and inside her at the same time, like in that video. And it was nice to know he wasn't interested in it either, though she would've sucked up her pride if he wanted to try having several women pleasure him. Anything for him, really.

Steph snuggled back into him. So she was right about the tying up, but it wasn't hard to come to that conclusion after learning he'd been forced to do things as the Soldier. "You gonna tie me up naked or with some cute lingerie?" She'd been eyeing a couple others in various styles and colors. Though remembering what he said about her dress, she added, as an afterthought, "I can get a blue one."

"Hey, who says it has to be just one or the other?" Bucky's grin turned a little more smirky when he asked that. "You could always start in some kind of cute little number, then end up naked. Or we could just do it more than once if you like it."

Bucky rolled them so she was lying on top of his good arm, but he continued to hold her close. "You do look damn good in blue, though. All shades of it, really, but it's best when the blue matches your eyes."

Not that Bucky would complain about Steph in any color of sexy lingerie.

Bucky could probably tell Steph's already liking the idea of doing it more than once. She might not have his stamina, but she was insatiable in a different way. "Blue then, but you better not rip it in your excitement."

Actually, that would be kind of hot. A waste of money, but hot.

Speaking of clothes, she wondered, "You think my old clothes won't be too out of style? They're still good." She already had a decent assortment in her closet, but she rather liked some of her old dresses, even if they were, by today's standards, 'vintage'.

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