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[dysmorphics]

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[freakymagoo]

Isn't it normally the men's side that buys the dowry?

I don't get it from anywhere. It's all you.

[dysmorphics]

Never really gave that much thought, honestly. I figured it didn't matter since I was gonna die soon enough anyway, and I wasn't gonna subject anyone [ Read: you, not that she's ever going to tell him. ] to all that trouble.

[ She's lying. At least, the part about not having thought about it. Marriage, kids and a house in the suburbs with a picket fence had been the end goals of their generation. She's just accepted that none of that would ever be in the cards for her. ]

You know what? Since you're being so nice, I'm gonna write you a damn good speech for one of your campaign events.

[freakymagoo]

[That's a shame. He might have thought, once upon a time, and every so often when life presents him with a rare, fleeting, precious moment of normalcy, that he might have been mostly sort of maybe okay. You know. To be around children.]

Publicist boss lady says supposed to bend over and take anything for endorsements so...

[dysmorphics]

You know all you had to do was ask, right? My word still carries some weight around here.

[ And it's not like people don't already assume she's backing him, given their history and all. ]

Anyway, you're in luck. I got press and influencers coming to my event. Just nod and smile to whatever I say, okay? And dress nice. You gotta use that handsome mug of yours to your advantage.

[freakymagoo]

Does it really matter what I'm wearing if you've got almost nudes of me plastered on the wall?

[dysmorphics]

Look, the nudes are me objectifying you on everyone's behalf. What you're wearing is what you want people to think of you. That you're smart, dependable, can be trusted. You gotta bury the stupid underneath a nice suit and a nice haircut.

[freakymagoo]

[Long, tired sigh.]

I need a haircut.

[dysmorphics]

Yeah, no shit. Want me to do it? I got nothing planned today, I can drive to wherever you're at.

[freakymagoo]

You aren't too busy planning your big day?

I've been in the campaign office waiting for this speech to write itself.

[dysmorphics]

You know I always got time for you, buddy.

I can help with your speech too. Buy me dinner and we can call it even?

[freakymagoo]

You need to come to this hole in the wall Indian fusion burger joint with me. Nobody will recognise us and we can order one of everything.

[dysmorphics]

Now that sounds amazing. Workshop you a speech over dinner then we'll deal with your hair afterward? You'll probably want a bath after all that anyway.

[freakymagoo]

Deal. Look for one of those murdery black SUVs with tinted windows and government plates.

[dysmorphics]

You got bodyguards to go with that now?

[freakymagoo]

I had to protect one the other day from a flying can. Does that still count?

[dysmorphics]

They're supposed to be your security detail, dummy.

You hiring? I can even do it pro bono, for old times' sake.

[freakymagoo]

I don't need one unless they can protect me from the internet or the IRS.

I'm not sure you qualify for the secret part of the secret service.

[dysmorphics]

Hate to break it to you, pal, but nobody can save you from the IRS.

I can wear a cap.
✌🏻

[ Just because it worked one time, Stephanie! ]

[freakymagoo]

Then you'll just be Cap with a cap. And I still can't fill out these forms.

[dysmorphics]

Fine, I'll throw in sunglasses too. I don't think my ass is enough of a giveaway anyway.

Is it?

You just gotta hire an accountant. I can't bust you out if you go to jail for that.

[freakymagoo]

That question is a trap I refuse to fall for.

I've apparently been evading taxes for 80 years and they want me to declare my secret stash of Nazi gold that's so secret I know nothing about it. Know any accountants who have this kind of experience?

[dysmorphics]

Wow. Look at you, already speaking like a true politician.

For real? Or is that what the trolls and conspiracy theorists are saying on the Internet? You don't only need an accountant, you also need a lawyer. That's libel.

We could try Matt, actually.

[freakymagoo]

You have a nice everything. In case that was ever in doubt.

They say a lot of things on the internet about me, about you. A lawyer can't fix the internet. We just have to not care.

But I guess we need lawyers for everything these days. Especially when we're probably on the mayor's shitlist. Do you have his number?

[dysmorphics]

Thank the serum for that.

[ Everything special about you came out of a bottle, Tony once snarked at her, and it still lives rent-free in her head. She has complicated feelings about her body. ]

Yeah, I know. Saw the one about us being secretly married? Guess they'll be coming for my ass for the Nazi gold too.

Hang on, gimme a sec.

[ Matt's contact details follow. ]

[freakymagoo]

You ever thought about it? The big day with flowers and dresses and whatever. Half a dog and three picket fences.